I'd like to give you a view of communication that isn't repressing feelings but also isn't open with all of them, at least not all at once. And when you are open slowly, you are in a way that encourages the good rather than discouraging everything.
I think in our fast-paced society nowadays, we feel this inappropriate pressure to share all the feelings we have about a topic (sex is a big one!) with our spouse because we need to get that checked off of our mental burden list. Or we need to finally unload or get it off our chest.
So we pile on all these painful complaints, criticisms, and unacknowledged feelings all at once.
And it causes huge divisions between partners and can take years to heal, if at all.
My encouragement in today's podcast is to think of your relationship not as a 30-minute conversation but as a 90-year conversation. There is no need to address everything right now.
There is a need to be respectful, kind, gentle, grateful, and loving in all your communication with your spouse. When that is your "normal," then there is an opportunity to strategically place encouragements towards a general movement in a direction that is important to you.
"But that could take months, even years." Luckily, you have that. And you are strong enough to shift things slowly but surely in the right direction. The shocking thing is if you are disciplined and you are careful, it may take way less time than you think.
One important piece is you can make yourself happy during that time and happier as you wisely encourage and compliment in the direction you desire. (More on that in the podcast).
This is giving the truth in love. We don't need to rhetorically cut each other because we're lazy or we're "good at fighting." We can be gentle, humble, meek, self-disciplined, and patient with the truth--even in response to our partner's accusations.
This way is harder and requires Jesus' strength and character, but it will actually move you farther faster. The other can set you back for years to come and may undermine the very thing you're trying to improve.
I hope you'll listen to this podcast with an ear for what Jesus wants for your marriage and interactions in it.
PS If you haven't yet rated and reviewed the podcast, I'd love to receive a screenshot and give you a $97-value training for men--for free!
Send me a screenshot of your review to belah at delightyourmarriage.com
If you're not sure how to do that and you listen vai iTunes, you can find out how at delightyourmarriage.com/itunes
Well, it all started with Steve the rooster. This is a good story. So...Step #1 - Buy a roosterStep #2 - Invite your mom overStep #3 - Just kidding... :P
If you're not already, sign up for LIVE, FREE Men's Masterclass on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday!
The best way to encourage your spouse is to attract them. I find it clear in the Bible that people have to be attracted towards Jesus by us living like him. Jesus did miracles and was compassionate to people before he ever rebuked them.
Hoping your day is going well? There's a lot of difficulty you may be facing right now, and one of the best gifts I can give you is rest. Well, not me but God.
It seems strange to think rest could help you cope with the intense struggle you're dealing with, but you may be quite surprised.
I'd like to share a podcast episode that is dear to my heart and my growth.
Why does rest matter to your life? Well, Jesus by no means hurried through life. He practiced Sabbath. He enjoyed His day to day life. Even children wanted to be around Him.
If we're stressed we don't spend the time to connect with our partner in a meaningful way, in or out of the bedroom. For women, usually stress kills her libido but can increase her need for emotional connection. For men, it often makes them crave the release sex brings but he has low capacity to be present to her emotions.
How can any of us not stress? There are bills to be paid, kids to raise, food to prepare, chores to accomplish every single day.
Rest doesn't fit into our lives.
But I would posit, as followers of Jesus, we can't NOT rest and be aligned with His will. We need rest to ensure we're on track. It's easy to be on the rat race for years and have no perspective to see what does God actually care about in your life.
If you don't have pause to calm your heart and mind, you can't discern what that is. It's not work, it's rest.
I am looking forward to sharing this with you. Good news: when you're rested, your intimacy in all ways increases.
Love and Blessings,
PS I am inviting you to save the date for the free LIVE Men's Training Oct 9 - 11!
You can sign up here: www.delightyourmarriage.com/menstraining
In this episode, I have a former student who is in his 70s and has been married over 45 years.
Not only has he and his wife used some of these interventions themselves, he is also very well-versed in the research behind it.
He nor I am a doctor and this is not meant to be taken as medical advice, but it is worth asking your doctor about these possible solutions.
He also talks about the important health choices their family has made to keep them healthy sexually and vibrant even in their latter years.
For links to the many resources mentioned, go to the show notes page.
To understand the Framework that I taught he and his wife when they worked with me, go to www.delightyourmarriage.com/framework
With so much going on in the world, I think people are making big changes in their lives.
Given that people are becoming more aware of their own mortality, I think its making them decide to take action.
My encouragement in today's podcast: 256-How to Not Fail at Marriage, comes from a failure at marriage --ehemm --me!
When my first marriage failed I blamed him. When my second marriage was on the rocks, I realized I was the common denominator.
When I transformed myself, I witnessed this man change before my very eyes.
Now, that I work with many men and women from around the world, I wish I understood these truths and the essential Framework a wife and husband needs to not fail at marriage. And in fact thrive.
This episode is for you if your marriage isn't what you think it could be. I'd encourage you, if you know someone in that spot, this may be the perfect opportunity to send them insights that very well may transform their marriage.
None of us know when it's our time and God calls us home.
But right now, God has given us our spouse as the most important human relationship and I hope you honor it as such.
On today's show I cover:
-The 3 things men need to feel fulfilled in marriage
-The 3 things women need to feel fulfilled in marriage
-This Framework is what men and women need to understand to love each other the way the other receives love (hint: it's different for each spouse)
-What I wish I had known about sexual intimacy in my first marriage
-Why we are more respectful to strangers than our own life partner
If you are new to the Delight Your Marriage philosophies, this is a really good introduction. If you've been around for a while "repetition is the mother of learning" so I encourage you to take these insights too!
Find a deeper understanding of the Framework here!
Love & blessings,
PS - I'd love to invite you to send this to a friend if they're facing marriage challenges right now, this could save their marriage.
But the one about "do not covet your neighbor's wife," if taken seriously, guards against the "do not commit adultery" commandment.
Coveting is actually a very important sin for men AND women. We each need to take it very seriously.
It causes your sex life to dwindle if either partner is doing it.
Though men and women covet differently around sex, if given to that temptation, it has a huge impact on the bedroom.
God cares about our hearts. He cares about how we think and how we judge. And when we covet, we are taking our eyes off of what God wants us to focus on and consuming our attention with things that just don't matter as much and maybe they are even egregious sins.Coveting is actually a very important sin for men AND women. We each need to take it very seriously.Also, I talk about the sins of sex addiction and greed in this episode because I think they're very related as well.
When women covet the "neighbor's wife", it's still sin.Maybe we're jealous of another woman's flat stomach or some other standard of beauty we think is better than our own.
It causes us to hide, feel insecure and go away from intimacy with our spouse. Leaving our marriage more exposed to potential destruction.(Also, ladies, I still have to fight against this! That's our fight to win--the fight in our hearts and minds.)
If you want the specific Framework I use when working with my clients to help them love--the way their spouse receives love.
When you discover how your spouse receives love, and fulfill them in that way, they will naturally naturally love you the way YOU receive love (men differently than women)!
So go to delightyourmarriage.com/framework for the free download!
Have you been hurt? Have you been disappointed?
By your spouse. By those you love. By God.
I think the answer has to be yes. Disappointment is part of the human experience.
Jesus was disappointed and hurt by those he loved. But he somehow put his disappointments in a category where it didn't slow down His mission to do God's will.
In this episode, I share how I felt disappointed by my husband and went about things the wrong way.
And I share what I should have done (for your benefit :)
Yes, I'll share how to motivate your spouse to do what you want, but more importantly what to do if they don't. It's a perspective shift that's required if you're going to have a healthy and happy marriage.
But also I share how to have less disappointments and be less hurt by your spouse.
If you've been disappointed by God, I want to speak to that as well.
Especially as this pandemic is taking it's toll on so many in so many different ways, we can easily get disappointed at God. How could he do this? How could He allow this?
How does He not stop this? I want to speak to this.
I aim to comfort you and help you process your disappointments and give you a road map of how to have a much better sense of control when you are seeking to heal things with your spouse.
Love & blessings,
Hoping you're well? In challenges, my aim is to keep showing up and helping inspire and empower you to have a wonderful marriage and intimacy in it. To that end...
This is Part 2 of my Interview with my husband about his perspectives on fatherhood (and why that makes me so attracted to him!)
Is it his ripped abs and amazing biceps?
Well... let's just say he's got a very healthy "dad bod" going on right now. :)
Truth is, the attraction may have started out physical, but became emotional. Because that emotional attraction is there, it flows back into a physical desire for intimacy.
So, if you're concerned that the "Quarantine 15" (aka weight you put on because of being in the house all the time) has left you less attractive to your spouse, I'd say worry more about your character, which will attract her to you.
To answer the question: what makes me so attracted to this man?
His sincerity. Kindness. Genuine care for me and our family... that makes me want to love him in all the spicy ways possible.
Just by tuning in, I think you can "catch" his heart and emulate it.
Check out the episode: 253-The Sexiest Dad Alive! Interview with My Husband, Part 2
And as an added bonus: it's more efficient than the hours in the gym... it's about what's inside.
Here's a story that's not in the episode...Last night, our just-turned-7-year-old insisted that we relax on the couch with our wine while he made us dinner.
He found a recipe for tacos in his school book and asked daddy to buy the right ingredients, so he could make it!Then when the 5-year-old finished showering, he taught his younger brother how to scoop the salsa, avocados, beans and lettuce into the shells.Between the two of them, about 1/8 of the ingredients landed on the floor...
But golly---we ate dinner and didn't have to make it! You better believe those boys got some serious compliments and encouragement for treating mom and dad to a "feast"! And because of our reaction I'm sure it won't be the last time!
(You should have seen those boys puff out their chests!)Am I bragging? Well, maybe. I think there is purpose to it. I'm hopefully casting a vision of what's possible when you have an amazing marriage.
I never saw or heard of such things. EVER. Growing up. So, maybe this is me sharing a vision of what I wish I had had.Here's what I've learned...
My son treats us that way because he imitates his dad. His dad treats me that way. And (I fail plenty... but..) I sure try to treat my husband that way.
As I listened to her husband talk I fell to my knees in tears. I have been teaching men for a long time, and have been thirsting for someone to look up to. Yes, it's Jesus.But I heard Jesus's character in these two's hearts. It was beautiful hearing Belah laugh at and affirm him.I loved it when he spoke so highly and with gratitude of her and listened to her sounds in the background.Their interactions and emotion while speaking is novel in a world where we are so used to sarcasm and selfishness and calloused feelings about our kids and loved ones."
You have an Assignment (1 Cor 7:17). A plan a purpose God laid out for you to do.
A set group of people He wants you to impact.
Jesus didn't assign you to everyone.
He even had limits on himself.
Jesus himself limited his prayers: "I am not praying for the world, but for those whom you have given me" John 17:9
But if we think that we're supposed to be doing everything, we'll miss who He is really assigning us to. Thus, His perfect plan doesn't go forward.
This impacts your sex life, and is impacted by your sex life. Whether you're a woman or a man this has impact.
I think this allows us to all take a breath and say, "Lord help me to know who you have given me.
Help me to be content with who you have given me. Help me to truly serve, love and impact only those you have given me".
And if all of us did that... then the world would look a lot different, I think.
I share how I'm doing that in my life, with my family and in my current launch of the renewed Masculinity Reclaimed program right now.
I share how men I've worked with (who I believe God put in my assignment) have been able to stop "burning with passion" even though they're married and get on with what God wants them doing. Because after my program they are more Christ-centered men.
One--maybe surprising--thing I share in this episode is how I wish my ex-husband took the Masculinity Reclaimed course. It's basically written for a man who thinks like that to help him become a man who thinks like my current husband...a man by his behavior and heart motivates me to want to make love to him. (I'll tell you it works!)
I hope this encourages you to deeply reflect on your Assignment and the role sex plays in it. And I pray that will help direct your steps.
Enrollment for the Masculinity Reclaimed program is open now, but is closing very soon, so I hope you register now. Delightyourmarriage.com/mrsp
This is probably THE question I hear in one way or another over and over again.
Lights off, sheets up and "vanilla" sex is the refrain that is very frequent.
Why is she like this?
How can this change?
What about specific things she's squeamish about like "intimate photos of us", anal sex, and mirrors?
If you'd like more insight on anal sex: delightyourmarriage.com/sod
All that is covered in our conversation! Especially for men, but helpful for women!
In the Masculinity Reclaimed: Be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again!
You'll learn how to strategically transform your marriage so she WANTS to enjoy sex with many new positions, visuals and variety...
...a 92% success rate!
We are launching very soon (and won't be opening up the doors til next year!) so go to delightyourmarriage.com/menstraining to get all the details!
To my beloved listener,
I want to encourage your heart in trying to understand what’s happening and why.
I know you’re doing hard work to figure out what your role is and should be in all of this.
And I commend that so much. <3
Also, as you’re going through so much right now, I hope you rest.
I invite you to practice self-care especially right now.
I hope you’ll read, write by hand, & meditate on Matthew 7:12-24 & Galatians 5:19-24
By Gods grace... We’re going to get through this.
If you're not signed up, be sure to soon (it'll only be available for a limited time!)
Playfulness doesn't seem important now that life is so busy and stressful, but it's actually central to a good marriage and a PASSIONATE marriage.
When you think about what your relationship was at first, it probably was full of laughter.
Right? The value of playfulness-
Laughter makes you smarter Makes you more creative Improves your immune systems
The JOY of the Lord is our strength Rejoice... is a constant refrain in the Bible even in the WORST circumstances, we are invited to rejoice in the Lord.
There is power in joy.
Sex can be awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassing just to name a few.
And if there's a playful culture in your marriage, it causes laughter.
If there's not, it causes distance because you both are trying to look better than you feel.
For both parties, they're insecure around sex, so if your marriage is more playful...
You're not trying to be perfect in front of the other. You're not trying to compete with the other.
You're not trying to change the other. You're staying present and looking at the joyful parts of life together.
I think this episode will not only convince you WHY but also HOW to make your marriage, playful, safe and passionate.
Get the Wild Romance At Home video training ($97 value) for FREE by leaving an iTunes Review and sending me a screenshot to belah at delightyourmarriage.com If you need more instruction on how at https://delightyourmarriage.com/itunes
As a husband, maybe you're wondering where the passionate nights went from your first months or years.
Your wife may be wondering where the romantic DAYS went.
But, maybe you're stuck at home and it feels like you're not able to do any kind of romance given the circumstances.
I hear you... I will add that I live in NYC, in a 1 bedroom apartment with two sons (age 5 & 6) during quarantine. Which means we've probably left our physical apartment 5 times in the last 7 weeks...
...and I'm here to tell you, you can DEFINITELY have a Wild Romance even during this season. (You'll understand more on this show).
I want to gift (for FREE) two valuable resources from a $297 course that I have only offered to my current students...
Because it's almost Mother's Day & I think you need to understand the template on How To Be Romantic while at home...
And this will help you forever understand what your wife wants when she says she wants to be "wooed".
There's a catch.
I give you a behind-the-scenes-look at how the business of Delight Your Marriage works. And how the podcast is made and why I think it's God's will for me to rely on people like you.
If you jump through some hoops to post an iTunes Review, you'll get the resource for FREE.
Don't worry, I'll guide you step-by-step on how to "jump through the hoops"--we'll do it together! If you still have questions, I have a specific step-by-step guide, here!
THANK YOU, so much. If you've been a listener for a while, I am SO honored that you would take the time to listen all the way through this episode.
As you know DYM doesn't have ads because I care more about your impact than the revenue that comes in that way. So THIS is how you can make sure the podcast continues.
And if you pray for DYM, please pray that people would listen to this podcast and do the steps so it can grow. The podcast is listened to in 155 countries worldwide and that's because you have spread it--or done what I request in this podcast! So, thank you!
I have included valuable encouragements and insights for you but also an ASK from me.
It means A LOT that you would do this for me and for the spread of this work.
I love you.
So, what I’ve noticed is that all of us are insecure. For some of us it’s more obvious than others.
It shows up in life, and it shows up in the bedroom.
I want to talk to you about what men are insecure about around intimacy and I want to talk about what women are insecure about around intimacy.
We have the opportunity to help our spouse feel more secure.
But how do we help our spouse when we ourselves are struggling with fear of judgment, rejection and body image (to name a few)?
Well, I think we need to understand where that fear is coming from.
And that’s what we explore together on today’s show.
Do you feel worthy?
Do you treat your spouse like they are worthy?
How can you help your spouse not be so insecure...
-around professional things,
-around the ways that they are in the world?
Hint: it’s different for men and women.
(To understand more about this framework, and get a free PDF download go to delightyourmarriage.com/framework )
So, on today’s show I want to tell you about what I think will be helpful for you to love your spouse in a way that will make them
-take down their guards,
-be less perfect (yep perfection is a mask for insecurity)
-be more vulnerable,
-be more messy & real,
-be more kind & loving,
-be less awkward,
-be more open, and
-be more secure.
And you too.
Addiction runs rampant... for most of us. Myself included.
Especially when we're facing tough things: anxiety, pain, loneliness, vulnerability, identity, significance.
During a stressful time we are trying to avoid the pain...
so we move towards the pleasure of distraction, entertainment, alcohol, gossip, food, video games, cigarettes...
God has specific insight into what to do on a consistent basis to bring us to PEACE.
Specifically, I'm thinking about this scripture...
Psalms 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him".
That makes me what to squirm and run away and pretend I didn't read it and that it's not in the Bible.
If I'm really honest my response is
Waiting feels like facing the tiger that's chasing me. The truth is when I wait, when I'm patient, when I am still... I discover over and over again that it's a paper tiger.
Is meditation new age / non-Christian? I talk about that... and how to ensure your meditation is Christian.
I share what I do to be still and be present in intimacy and OUTside the bedroom to impact my pleasure in intimacy.
Also, when "Receiving" in intimacy is too hard, there are other ways that are easier at times and bring us together in beautiful ways.
A few resources I mentioned:
I'd like to invite you to be on my email list. I send emails a couple times a month and I'd like to offer you some free resources for you...
For wives, you're welcome to get "8 Tips to Stay Present" in the bedroom:
For husbands, you're invited to get the "7 Blocks to Her Libido" which clarifies what may be keeping her from desiring intimacy in your marriage.
I'm very excited to share this interview with Dr. Kahn a renowned cardiologist (seen on Dr. Phil and The Doctors tv series among other great accolaides). This is my second time having him on the podcast and you're in for a treat!
What you put in your mouth affects your intimacy. (And I mean outside of the bedroom! :)
From libido to sexual response, our diet helps or hurts.
We also talk about COVID health and how the studies are showing there are specific things you can do to help your immune system (and of course be very focused on prevention).
On our last podcast I shared what I'm doing health-wise and how I think those things helped my health when fighting COVID -- some of those things Dr. Kahn encouraged (and some of them he DIScouraged!)
I encourage you to listen in to discover what may be most helpful for your intimate-life and your overall health.
You can find more about Dr. Kahn's work at drjoelkahn.com
Check out some of his books: Vegan Sex, The Plant-Based Solution, and his newest one Lipoprotein(a): The Heart's Quiet Killer
Happy Good Friday. It feels a bit strange going to service online, but the beautiful thing about Jesus is we get to meet Him anywhere because of what He did for us on this day so long ago.
I am curious how you're doing? I've been praying for you and hope you're doing ok.
We haven't chatted for a while because I've been a bit behind. My husband and I got COVID. The real one.
You probably have heard of plenty of really sad stories. I wanted to share ours to hopefully encourage you and add one story to the "FAITH pile" in your heart.
How do we know we got it? Well after a grocery store cashier sneezed on my husband a few days later we got flu-like symptoms and then we both lost our taste and smell!
(JFYI it's SO weird to not be able to taste or smell anything).
For me, I had super mild symptoms (thanking God!) and my husband has fairly mild symptoms though he's yet to be 100%.
When she found out me, my husband or my 2 sons (ages 5 and 6) hadn't crossed the threshold of our cozy NYC apartment in 13 days and we've had a peaceful and contented existence throughout, (by God's grace)... a friend asked "what is your secret weapon?"
Well, that's what I share in our conversation today, so you have it too: "Your COVID Secret Weapon".
I think there are a few things you can focus on amidst the chaos, anxiety and stress that will benefit you, your marriage, your health and ultimately the Kingdom of God.
(At the end of the broadcast I share the specific health things I do that I think helped our situation as well, in case you're interested in hearing my opinions on it -- immune health is a personal passion of mine.)
Spoiler alert: I talk about intimacy being vital during this time.
So I would love to have you listen for encouragement and PRACTICAL insights on how to use this time to HEAL your marriage.
Blessings & love,
Corona virus, COVID-19, has impacted you.
For so many the fear is tangible.
I know it's impacting your marriage. Sadly the divorce rates in China have skyrocketed as a result of the quarantine.
I don't want that to continue or become worse.
I want to help you. In your marriage, in this time, is it possible to be a soft landing DURING this crisis?
How can you get better? How can you and your spouse grow into the people God wants you to become DURING this crisis.
Many of us have a lot more time on our hands. (If you're in the medical field, please know we're praying for you).
How are we using that time?
I want to invite you to a FREE online workshop: SOFT LANDING Webinar: Be encouraged & be loved by your spouse DURING crisis
On that webinar I'll be launching a brand new group: Delight Groups to help you stay encouraged DURING the crisis.
You don't have to do this alone. If you want to sign up for the THRIVE webinar or learn more about the groups, sign up here.
Over the Christmas break my son had a very serious health crisis. And we cried out to God. And God moved. My faith was increased and everyone who has heard the story was impacted to trust God more.
Have you ever heard, "There are no atheists in foxholes"? People want hope to grab onto. And when reason fails to give that hope, the power of God can come in to help people experience His love.
This is an opportunity to be an example to all who you know.
Don't be the victim who numbs your fear, but the leader who stands in faith.
Believe me I've been the former, but I am want us to stand up and encourage and pray and love those who are in fear right now.
As Jesus-followers, we are lucky to know that this earth is not the end. But how do we encourage and pray for our neighbors? How can you start now? You may have a lot more time on your hands. How can you start to encourage and help others even RIGHT NOW?
Encourage your spouse. Love them generously so they can do their best in the world right now. Prioritize peace in your home so the storm isn't ALSO raging in your home.
Sign up to my newsletter for more encouragement during this time: www.delightyourmarriage.com/present
And you'll also get my 8 Tips to Stay Present in Intimacy
Love you and I'm praying for you,