"Why can't I be fulfilled by what I SHOULD be able to?"
-Higher-drive men, Higher-drive women
"Why can't I get aroused by what I SHOULD be able to?"
-Lower-drive women, PI/ED men
I want to invite you to consider what brings you pleasure.
I want you to consider what causes you to ENJOY life.
At Delight Your Marriage we focus a lot of intimacy. (And this episode does too).
God has designed sex to be a way to receive pleasure.
But is it God's only way for you to receive pleasure in this amazing world?
Did Jesus receive pleasure in this world? (Even without sex?)
For higher drive husbands/wives (or those in sexless marriages): You are a wo/man who doesn't receive the pleasure from sex that you crave.
Jesus was tempted in every way that we are, and yet he never sinned. (HOW???)
For lower-drive wives/porn-induced ED/ED men: When you go on a journey of resensitizing your pleasure to everything this amazing world has to offer, you also resensitize yourself to the amazing gift of intimacy your spouse's unique body that God gives you in marriage.
Gaining pleasure in many more things in this life is incredibly important for you to fulfill God's call in the world.
Too many leaders/pastors/preachers have secret (and sometimes horrific) sins because they have no pressure release from the HARD work of ministry.
They do not have ANY pleasure activities except sex (at least that's what they think constitutes a holy life).
It's hard.
Jesus knows it's hard to resist temptation.
But he had MANY ways of receiving pleasure that had nothing to do with sex
He had zero "sinful outside-of-marriage sex" and he had zero "holy inside-of-marriage sex".
I invite you to listen with a curious heart to how God might want to invite you to resensitize yourself to the pleasure in HIS good world (in and out of marital intimacy) so that you can do the will of the Father ...as Jesus did.
Blessings,
Belah
PS - We'd love to help you and your marriage be all that God wants it to be to ultimately support the life and call God wants you to have... go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc for all the information of first steps!
PPS -Recent wife grad: "I wish I could really express just how many celebrations I’ve had through my weeks in this program. Both alone, and in my marriage."
Let's go! delightyourmarriage.com/cc
Many of our wife listeners have lower drives than their husbands. (I hear you!) And that’s just the way it is. Nothing to be done, just deal with it.
Also, if they’re like I have been, since she has a lower sex drive she just has to put up with the requirement of her to make love even though she’s less than enthusiastic about it because she has to have sex and can’t do the things she really wants to be doing. Or sometimes avoids it altogether.
I have been there. And so has Sarah.
She and I both have high drive husbands.
And we both know that sex is supposed to be a beautiful gift and a joy for him but we just couldn’t desire it even if we wanted to.
I want to allow you to hear Sarah’s heart because she knew something wasn’t right.
She loved her husband and they waited till marriage to engage sexually together, as is biblical, but her desire just wasn’t there, and it was so disheartening.
But, she rejected the idea that there was nothing she could do about it. Even when sexual assault was in her past, she hoped God could still redeem and heal her sexuality.
I’m excited for you to hear her story and see how you might be blessed by the advice and encouragement.
Her first step was sharing her story with someone who gets it. That was the free Clarity Call she had with someone who had walked this road before and can share there is hope for change!
Love,
Belah
PS - Would you like help? We would love to help. Schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc to have a compassionate and helpful conversation to evaluate if you’re a good fit for our programs.
PPS - If you’re a husband who wants his wife to do what Sarah did, the best thing you can do is work on yourself first.
From a guy who has been there, took the next steps, and did the work:
“Before taking the course I would have defined our struggle as not being on the same page sexually. I thought that her view of me, and the attitudes that she held, were hurting our marriage. She thought I was too demanding and moody when my expectations weren't met. I felt she prioritized work, kids, church, her phone, etc. above me. The vast majority of the intimacy we had was duty sex.
My biggest challenge has been my lack of understanding. I didn't realize how much pain I was causing her, or how self focused I was. I was trying to get her to change and should have been working on me. I am skilled at justifying myself and passing blame on my own heart.
Understanding the concepts of Safe, Known, and Cherished was a big deal. Forgiveness and apologizing have been huge. The disciplines of faith statements, gratitude, prayer, and Bible reading make for a solid start to my day.
My wife has told me she feels safe. She has begun to trust that my change is not a passing fad. I have gained understanding in how to love her well. I look forward to being around her, and to pampering her and loving her well. This has overflowed into intimacy emotionally, spiritually, and physically.”