You might think your marriage is too far gone. There is too much strife, emotional and mental abuse, painful memories, WAY too much baggage to ever recover. 

I encourage you to review this entire series and take a journey with me on this episode.

Maybe we've been looking at this whole marriage thing all wrong. And we've been looking at what it means to be man and woman wrong too?

What is the masculine nature? What is the feminine nature? Can a man have both, can a woman have both? 

Is this a sacrilegious framework?

Well, I think there is a ton of biblical precedence for thinking of men and women as possessing both masculine and feminine natures and both are good, should be respected and honored. I'm going to share that here. 

I want to talk about how this shows up in my own marriage specifically and how it can radically change yours!

--

Jump on a 40min clarity call with me so we can sort this stuff out. What is going on in your marriage and how can we get to the bottom of it to truly, deeply transform the lives of you, your spouse, your children and what God wants of you in this world! Delightyourmarriage.com/call

1 in 4 women this year will be sexually abused. You may never know who... your sister, best friend, daughter, mother, wife...

You may have been the victim. I'm so sorry for your pain and what you have been through. You are not alone and you do not need to feel shame any longer. 

Today's podcast is to help all women process the pain of abuse. I think it affects all of us whether we ourselves have experienced it or not, we live in a culture where that is the norm...

• When was the last news show you were able to get through without hearing at least one incident of violence against a woman?
• 1 in 5 searches on the internet are for pornography and 90% of pornography is violent towards women.
• Most women who have been abused are not believed even if they have the courage to speak out--so most stay silent.

Here's what I cover:

• Why are women abused? 
• Why the shaming question she is always asking herself: "why didn't I know better?" or "she was asking for it" isn't her fault based on her God-given nature
• My experiences with sexual abuse
• Why I think it's vital that we continue to understand women's experiences and give them a voice and let them know we hear them and believe them 
• Why we all need to be speaking about it and not expect only the victims to

How does it affect your marriages...

• What if you have sex without wanting it in your marriage? Why that makes you feel abused even though it might not actually abused

• It affects sex, her feelings of safety and I have some specific guidance for that (get my specific guide referenced on the show! Send me a message to get the Connection Session Guide here: belah@delightyourmarriage.com)

Here's what is covered in today's episode

• There are a ton of "submit" verses in the Bible. 
  • They were used to abuse me in my first marriage.
  • I think these also have made men feel that they had the right to abuse & justify their actions with the misuse of these scriptures.
• But what people don't realize is they are reading the Bible (and even translations of the Bible) through a patriarchial lense.
  • Don't believe me?
  • What does "help-meet" mean?
    • This word which Eve is supposed to be to Adam.
    • Well, it's not the supporting, secondary, servant role you may have always thought.
    • The original word in Hebrew is "ezer kenegedo". Ezer is used 21x in the Old Testament
      • When speaking of Eve 2x in Genesis, it's translated as "help" 
      • Three times it is used to describe a powerful nation that comes to save the nation of Israel from their enemies
      • The other 16x it's used to describe God as a military warrior, the powerful savior, giving  desperate salvation from foes
      • Is that how you see women?
      • Is that how you see yourself?
• What if more verses are viewed through this patriarchial lense and we just aren't aware?
• What scriptural references do we KNOW for sure speak of female leadership even in the New Testament (sprinkled among the books including "wives submit to husbands" verses are found):
  
  • Woman apostle
  • Paul honoring the 10 out of 28 people who have been colaborers
  • Woman deacons

• As a feminist myself, this material breaths life to my soul

• BUT, what if there IS something to this "submitting" thing in the 21st century, Christian marriages with powerful, feminist women...?
• What if there's an empowering message for both men and women when done "right"?
• This is a morsel of a much larger conversation, but God-willing it will leave all of us with a bit more of a softened heart to where God may be leading us.

This isn't easy territory, but I pray that it is an eye-opening episode for every listener. 

--

It was my husband's birthday this week and I'm asking every listener to take 5 minutes to review the show!

If you're not sure how, here's a link for delightyourmarriage.com/itunes

This one honestly wasn’t that easy to think through or record. 

Here’s what I cover:

• how I hold my opinions about women in the church and I think we all should
• how women showed up in the Bible
• I think Christian men should be on the forefront of the movement to end sexual abuse against women (Jesus would have been)
• women in ministry leadership
• the things I’m still processing around this
• your sexual abuse story should be believed, heard, processed, given space
• and the same goes for church abuse (of any kind)
• the body of Christ needs women in leadership because they are lacking without us

 When I work with women, I think the biggest problem is they don’t have boundaries.  And for them to slowly strategically come out of abusive relationships and cause their marriage to thrive instead of the abusive, they have to have boundaries. But it might not look the way you think it will look.

I grew up without boundaries myself. And So I never learned that I was responsible for me: my feelings, my thoughts, my choices, my property, my own things, my privacy... So naturally when I got married, I didn’t think I owned these things either.  And I didn’t think my husband did either.  Especially hearing the “two will become one flesh”, to me that meant that I owned him and he owns me. So  we had to be the same.

However that doesn’t work. 

How do you create boundaries in your marriage? How do you make sure those boundaries are respected?

And should we always be “honest” with our husbands? I don’t think so necessarily. 

I look forward to our conversation!

—

DYM is sponsored by my new business Couragess: Christian Women’s Mastermind group. Would love for you to check out my new site and get my free resource: 3 Habits to Grow Your Confidence immediately! www.Couragess.com

(So sorry, my computer broke so I wasn't able to edit and this is late, but I think the content is all there!)

--

I was abused and I was completely unaware at the time. Because he was spiritually gifted I trusted him. But he wasn’t exhibiting the fruits of the spirit. 

If you’re being abused, it’s so hard to see what’s really going on in your marriage because something that’s inherent in abuse is blinders. Today, I talk about my own experience with abuse in my first marriage, and what it took to get the blinders off for me. 

And then not only removing your blinders, but then what is your next step after becoming clear on what’s really going on in your marriage. And then to make wise action towards what I believe can completely transform him. 

This is the beginning of a series of DYM shows on abuse. There’s many different levels, categories and types of abuse towards women in many aspects of life. I want to help a woman who is currently in an abusive situation to think through the really difficult areas to walk the hard strategic road to recovery that I believe is possible.

Please note: I am not a licensed therapist or social worker and I cannot provide that “professional” guidance. But this is what I have learned through my story and the suffering I went through and what I have helped some of my coaching clients out of. 

Regardless of my credentials, we need to be helping women in this extremely common and devastating arena. 

—
The resource I referenced about getting support around domestic violence and abuse is www.nomore.org 

Not discussed… but it’s common to be attracted to someone that’s not your spouse.

What do you do about it?

First, figure out where you are in your level of attraction and then decide action steps:

-1-3 (when you see them/talk to them you feel a chemistry)
talk to God, get busy, be an enthusiastic lover with your husband, redirect your thoughts, read the Word, work with your hands

-4-7 (find your mind wandering to this person consistently) confide in a mature friend of the same sex–tell them what’s going on and be very honest, avoid spending time with this person, journal about their qualities and affirm that your husbands qualities are better because x, y & z, speak affirmations in faith, draw close to your husband

-8-10 (if you’re considering an affair, divorce or in that spot already) seek counsel of a therapist or counselor, use all sexual inspiration and direct it towards your spouse, be as enthusiastic in the bedroom as you’d be with this new person, pray fervently, be very intentional about falling in love with your husband again, write pros and cons list of this decision and include EVERYONE who would be positively and negatively affected in short term and long term—be honest with what you’re dealing with, pretend you’re in the future looking back on your life and determine whether you’d make that same choice if you could do it all over again

Remember, what you imagine you see now…it’s all a fantasy. You are with the right person. And God will give you the grace to see that if you trust in him.

——

UPDATE: I have had to postpone this virtual class referenced on the podcast. Feel free to sign up here to hear more about when the class is ready to be open.

To men:

I have men that reach out to me a lot of direction and support because they wish their wives would be interested in my material. My heart goes out to them and I’d like to give them individual and specific guidance, but I don’t feel comfortable working with men one on one. So, I am developing a Delight Your Wife virtual classroom just for men. This will be a weekly class where I will be live with you discussing a particular topic. You can send me your questions or add to the discussion during the call. These will be recorded and ready for you any time you’d like them in the future as well.

If you sign up in November 2018, you’ll have the lowest subscription fee as the content is still being developed and the virtual classes will just be getting started. Sign up for Delight Your Wife here!

Excited we're back together after far too long! We have got some fantastic episodes coming your way in this new season of DYM!

• What was the last sex scandal you heard about?
• What was the last Christian sex scandal?
  • It probably wasn't too long ago. It's really sad. And it happens so much, far too much.
  • Why is this happening? What can we do about this? 
• On today's show, I talk about why this is so common. I describe the problem and then what you can do in your own marriage. What you can do in your own sphere of influence to guard yourself and others.
• Why I have told my husband if he sins--goes outside the bounds of our marriage--he will be forgiven. That doesn't mean it isn't going to hurt me, and the marriage and plenty of others, but anything less can destabilize us in the long-run.

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• You might know me as the author, podcaster and intimacy coach, but I've also helped many women over the years get their goals: writing their books, transforming their marriages, getting a job, starting or leveling-up their business (brick-and-mortar and online). I’ve worked in entrepreneurship, non-profit and for-profit (with Fortune 50 companies).
• I am hosting a "Goal-set in God's will" webinar Sunday, October 14, 2018, at 8 pm EST and Tuesday, October 16, 12 pm EST.
  • Discover the 3 questions you need to ask AND goal-set with me on this webinar! 
  • You're someone who sets big, hairy, audacious goals, but could they need a bit of tweaking?
  • Let's do something really important and have fun doing it! Sign up for this FREE, live webinar with me!

Hi all, 

DYM is taking a break for the summer but will be back on late August, early September. 

Blessings, 

Belah

Questions Discussed:

• Is it helpful to fantasize about others?
• How to get turned on
• How to have an orgasm
• Female erections
• How to rekindle your attraction
• How to get turned on even if you don't "like" him right now
• How you can be turned on by him 
  • What he can do
  • What you can do

• Check out this episode's show notes with links

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I didn’t feel I could give the specificity I’d like to on a public platform like a podcast or website. So, I’m including VERY practical understandings and examples (language, scenarios, actions) you can use immediately in this course! And the biblical foundations as to why you should be able to enjoy!

Check out The Seduction Course: (Christian) Hot Sex, Step A, B, C.

• The 3 Components of Seduction
• Freedom in Language & Actions (Why & HOW!)
• Teasing & Variety for Hot Sex (Specifically)
• Three Things to Steer Clear of At all Costs
• All Steamy AND Sacred

Well, by now you know that I’m a fan of The Surrendered Wife. It has changed the way I think and I am so grateful.

Well, this time I have some of the more challenging questions about making your desires known, sex, and some more challenging realities like pornography.

Ultimately, its a fantastic conversation which I hope you'll listen in!

Part 2: 

Well, by now you know that I’m a fan of The Surrendered Wife. It has changed the way I think and I am so grateful.

Well, this time I have some of the more challenging questions about making your desires known, sex, and some more challenging realities like pornography.

Ultimately, its a fantastic conversation which I hope you'll listen in!

Well, by now you know that I'm a fan of The Surrendered Wife. It has changed the way I think and I am so grateful. Well, this time I have some of the more challenging questions answered like... 

-What about when you have fundamental differences?

-What about different parenting styles?

-Marriage therapy ever a good idea?

-What about when he's nasty but you don't want a huge issue by saying "ouch" and leaving the room?

-When you're vulnerable but he hurts you because you're vulnerable

-How do you share your feelings (that are negative) on big things? (Assuming your surrendering the small things)

Discussed in this conversation:

• Divorce is an option, for Christians and non-Christians.
• I hope I can convince you of the importance of this truth.
• If you are not aware that this is possible for your marriage, you may be blindsided by this reality. But if you believe you both are free beings who choose everyday to remain faithful to your vows, I think you can walk more circumspectly and carefully.

• How do you shift the way you view your marriage? Well, what are things about your husband that you rely on? How can you be grateful for the things we rely on?
• How can you be grateful for the man you have instead of the man you wish he was?
• As I am a woman who got divorced, I wish wives (and husbands) started marriages believing divorce is an option so they would be more careful. So they felt more responsible and accountable for their choices and there are natural consequences to consistently choosing poor behavior towards to their spouse.
  • 1 Corinthians 10:12 "Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall."
• So how do you turn around a ship heading towards divorce: Gratefulness. Appreciating and respecting and honoring the tiny glimmers and watering those seeds to grow through encouragement and love.
  • How to have habits of gratefulness to help each other grow in noticing the positive. What you focus on grows.
  • Not to be motivated by fear but motivated by freedom.
• How to be careful to ensure affairs are not blind spots.

——

Ensure that you're infusing your marriage with exciting sex:

I’ve released the first 4 parts of a new course I’m really excited about: The Seduction Course: (Christian) Hot Sex, Step A, B, C.

I didn’t feel I could give the specificity I’d like to on a public platform like a podcast or website. So I’m including VERY practical understandings and examples (language, scenarios, actions) you can use immediately in this course!

Right now you can get the course at its lowest cost (it will go up in the following week as the 5th part is released). Check out The Seduction Course now.

• The 3 Components of of Seduction
• Freedom in Language & Actions (Why & HOW!)
• Teasing & Variety for Hot Sex (Specifically)
• Three Things to Steer Clear of At all Costs

What is included in this show:

• Why is amazing intimacy important in marriage?
• Why the lure of Sex is so great
• Marital love making is supposed to be intoxicating
• Should you try to make your sex life exciting?
  • Could God wants our sex life to be exciting
• What I think is the biggest barrier to amazing intimacy
• Why the enemy want to destroy the excitement in your sex life
• The attitude behind something is actually more important than the action themselves

Shift your attitude. Col 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.

Men get turned on by something they see, women get turned when they feel good about themselves. -Joyce Penner

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The HOW of making it exciting:

I’ve released the first 3 parts of a new course I’m really excited about: The Seduction Course: (Christian) Hot Sex, Step A, B, C.

I didn’t feel I could give the specificity I’d like to on a public platform like a podcast or website. So I’m including VERY practical understandings and examples (language, scenarios, actions) you can use immediately in this course!

Right now you can get the course at its lowest cost (it will go up in the following week as the 4th part is released). Check out The Seduction Course now.

What do you want your marriage to look like? Is it at the level of the connection and depth of love that you desire? If not, what does it look like? And the follow up question is what you can do to change it?

We cannot change what we do not notice. I encourage you to take stock of your intimacy which is your husband's fuel of your connection. How often are you making love and how are you making it a priority in your life? It often isn't as easy as it sounds, but I have some tips and encouragement that will help.

When you make love to him, you are loving him the way that he receives love. So, to realize your connection goals, I encourage you to make that a strategy.

If you feel far off from where you want  to be in your marriage, my husband has a prayer for you at the end.

Love you and be encouraged this week!

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Be intentional about the spice of your sex life:

I’ve released the first 3 parts of a new course I’m really excited about: The Seduction Course: (Christian) Hot Sex, Step A, B, C.

I didn’t feel I could give the specificity I’d like to on a public platform like a podcast or website. So I’m including VERY practical understandings and examples (language, scenarios, actions) you can use immediately in this course!

Right now you can get the course at its lowest cost (it will go up in the following week as the 4th part is released). Check out The Seduction Course now.

Sex is Better In Marriage. If it's better, why is there so much divorce and so many unhappy marriages? Its better but it's also harder.

Here's why sex is harder in marriage:

1. You see the good, the bad & the ugly.
2. You have to be vulnerable and that's messy & uncomfortable.
3. You see them in the mundane...when you're brushing your teeth... how can they be sexy to you?
4. You have to maintain attraction to one person
5. You have to be intentional about passion, spice & excitement

Why sex is better in marriage:

1. It's real. Its not a performance where you have to be perfect. It's your real heart and real body. You can let your hair down and be who you are in your sexuality.
2. It's not going to end. So you don't have to have this fear that if you don't please him, he'll leave. Instead your motivation is to make your forever relationship amazing.
3. You find out what he likes, and get to practice that and hone your skills on his particularities for years.
4. No fear of embarrassing yourself. He is the safest person there is. A person who promised to love you through it all and to never leave... feeling silly is something you can do with him.
5. Sex is spiritual. Its not just a physical experience and you get to explore that in marriage. The peace, joy and love bleeds over from life and into the marriage bed and back out into life.

Be intentional about the spice of your sex life:

I’ve released the first parts of a new course I’m really excited about: The Seduction Course.

I didn’t feel I could give the specificity I’d like to on a public platform like a podcast or website. So I’m including VERY practical understandings and examples you can use immediately in this course! 

Right now you can get the course at its lowest cost (it will go up in the following week as the 3rd part is released). Check out The Seduction Course now.

Main Points:

• The safety and stability of a home is due to the spouses' generosity in the bedroom
• Making love is God's work.
• "Yes, God changed me. But he changed me through [our intimacy]." -my husband
• Gen 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
  • God was talking about sex.'
• What a wife needs to make love is a man living out the fruit of the Spirit. 

The Seduction Course Part 1 is released today!! Purchase now to have the most discounted price! (It will go up next Tuesday when I release Part 2!)

I am SO excited to share this content with you. I think it will really get you to the place of implementing and doing, practically, those things that will really make you feel powerful. Because you will know that you know how to drive him wild.

The specific steps to seduce:

1. Get him to want it
2. Tease him
3. Give him a little bit
4. Pull away
5. Give him what he wants

Why Seduction is important, helpful tips on what will help you seduce and next steps.

The Seduction Course P1 will be released next week! Purchase now to have the most discounted price! (It will go up on Tuesday!)

I am SO excited to share this content with you. I think it will really get you to the place of implementing and doing, practically, those things that will really make you feel powerful. Because you will know that you know how to drive him wild.

Main points:

-God's might and glory is shown in the uniqueness of creation. And in the tiniest of details of your body. 

-The way you feel about your body affects the way you interact with your spouse and the rest of the world. 

-Children are released in their bodies. Body insecurity is learned (and its unattractive). 

-Our self-perception is tied to so many different things. Time of the month, what we've been eating for the last couple of weeks, what stresses are in our lives etc. And this affects the way we eat and look at ourselves.

-You can honor and listen to your body. But you don't have to feel pressure that you have to get "there" before you can seduce your husband and be released in your body.

-Practical tips on what you can do today to be more released.

Check out The Seduction Course presale here for 50% off before it goes live (very soon)!

How to enjoy sex as a woman. We as women have so much going on. So many commitments and responsibilities. Busy. 

For women its a slow process to transition from life to physical intimacy. (For men, not so much). For us, its slow and it should be. Its an opening. Its a releasing. Its a being invited into her divinely orchestrated womanhood.

What does it feel like to be in touch of your body? Why does touch matter? Being in your body. Being attentive to the touch of your body will help you enjoy making love. I explain what I mean and how you can do this practically. 

I give you some centering practices that will move you into a centering place where you can receive and be fully with the love making experience.

Letting yourself experience it all. What to do when your mind wanders. What if there is whole other way of experiencing sex than you and your husband have tried--and it is a more spiritual experience that you might have imagined.

Touch outside the body, but what are you feeling on the inside of your Ressa. Not your clitorous, but your inner Ressa. I'll be talking more about experiencing that pleasure on this podcast.

Homework:

• What kind of touches do you want from your husband?
• Game plan: write out exactly what you want to say.
• Make love in a slow, intentionally receiving way.

Embodying your Sexuality P1 & P2, Episode 160 & Episode 161.

"Save sex for marriage". A wise piece of advice. But because I didn't learn anything about it's value, I just assumed it was nasty. 

But I never learned about my Ressa. Why your Ressa needed to be reframed and renamed:  Ressa = Receiving him into your Essence 

(Feel free to keep the name you feel most comfortable with. However, I don't feel comfortable using the words publicly on this show, that to me either evoke negative/pornographic connotations or are medical terms that don't include all the areas and don't capture the radiance of your essence.) 

We as Christian women often don't respect it or honor it as wonderful good. 

A lot of negative and embarrassing things happened while learning how to grow up with a Ressa. You may have a negative view of it just because of the way you grew up.

• Episode 110 Luke Gilkerson how to raise healthy sexual kids.

Is it awkward to consider God coming into the room with your husband and you making love? He's not surprised.

God made it all. He made it to be filled with blood and become sensitive when its touched. 

Embracing the fullness of your Ressa is foundational for you to walk in pleasure in your intimacy. For you to relax and receive him into your essence. Next week builds upon this one, so be sure to do your homework! 

176-Body P5: Value Touch

When you're confident in your body you're not being prideful, you're humbly acknowledging His gift of your body.

Your beauty is not a question is a statement.

God knit you together, counted your hairs. He cares about all the incredible intracacies of your body. 

It matters what you do with it. God is all about the spirit and mind and soul. But He also says love the Lord with all your strength. Your body is important to God.

Jesus talked about the body when describing a husband and wife. Sexual immorality is not ok. It matters to God how you use your body.

What you do with your body matters to Him. And the way you think about your body matters to Him. Your body valuable. 

Every time you look at the mirror you're judging your body. You're seeing if you look ok or if you're pretty enough. Stop looking in the mirror. What space of your life, energy, time, desire is taken up by the desire to be the world's standard of beauty? Is that going to matter in eternity? Why are we obsessed with it now? 

I think you'll enjoy the homework ;) Flaunt it girl!

Next week: 175-Body4: Honor Your Ressa

I thought my body was gross. I thought God didn't give me a good one. God changed my perspective. Now that insecurity has become fierce respect for this wonder God has given me. 

Now I'm convinced that we as women are jewels. Our bodies are of the highest value. And we should not put our jewels before swine. Your body should be adored by someone who deserves it. By someone who serves you, respects you and makes you feel worth it. Your husband (though he himself is a work in progress) is the only one who fits the bill.

Tips:

• Assume the attraction is there. 
• Practice affirmations. I do this with my clients and this is one of the most effective strategies.
• Spend time journaling rather than eating. Eating allows us to numb ourselves from the difficulties of life. We stuff ourselves with food so we don't feel. 
• You are not being cocky by telling yourself you're gorgeous. Your body is God's work of art. He gets the credit. God made you beautiful. When you get compliments, receive it and give the glory to God in your heart. You don't have to let that puff you up in pride, you can give that to God. 
• It is a discipline to have confidence. And it takes discipline to get there.
• Write through the hard times, rather than stuff the hard time with food which make the enemy distract you from life and God's voice.

Resources: Women Food and God (Though not a Christian book, amazing principles that we can apply through a godly lense can be gleened.)

 Next week: 174-Body P3: Flaunt It, Don't Ask For Approval