We have all felt the frustration and disappointment of doing our best to do the right thing and life still does not go the way we thought.
For 28 years, Stephen was a faithful husband to his wife. There were no drugs or alcohol or pornography. They raised two kids in a Christian home. From the outside, everything looked like it should be going right.
But within their marriage, they were falling apart. Stephen felt emotionally and physically abandoned by his wife and didn’t know what to do.
After desperately searching “Sexual Intimacy” on Google in hopes of finding some answers, Stephen stumbled upon Delight Your Marriage.
After the first podcast episode, he knew this was what the Lord had for him. He was shocked that after signing up, exactly what he had been praying for came to pass... his wife greeted him with open arms, a smile, and a “How was your day?” followed by a passionate night!
Stephen had to do his work on himself. It wasn't easy and he had to have faith that God could change it all. And He did.
This is the story we want for each person listening: to be desired by their spouse, to be connected, and to be loved in a delight-filled marriage.
We are so thankful to Stephen for sharing his story with us and we hope that his story becomes your story too.
Blessings,
Belah & Team
P.S. - If you want to know more about our Clarity Calls or how to become involved in the same work Stephen did, please reach out to us at delightyourmarriage.com/cc. We would love to talk to you!
P.S.S. - Here is a quote from a recent graduate:
Before the men's program: “I often felt disrespected and controlled. To a degree I felt unloved because of the lack of physical intimacy.
I often felt I couldn’t be myself or express my opinion because of the disapproval I would feel when I did. There was anger and indifference growing in me. We were growing further and further apart…”
After the men's program:
“Tension between us is pretty much gone! Our relationship, our discussions have become much more peaceful, easygoing and playful than before. My wife has become more affectionate and has initiated intimacy more! We can now discuss physical intimacy and not argue.
She has told me many times how she likes the changes she sees in me, and is expressing more and more desire to grow in intimacy herself!...
Other people around us, even strangers, have noticed something different about us. One change that I think is the most telling of how the DYM program has impacted our lives:
Prior to the program we had been sleeping in separate rooms for years. I am thankful to say that I am back in our marriage bed, physically, emotionally – for good now!”
P.S.S.S… :)
A few weeks ago, I had the wonderful privilege of being a guest on the 'That's Just What I Needed' podcast with speaker & author Donna Jones, who is a friend of DYM and has actually been on our podcast as well! If you'd like to listen to the episode, we talk about what you can do make your marriage better, regardless of where you're starting. You can find it here: That’s Just What I Needed
It was so great getting to chat with her and we hope the episode blesses you immensely! We want to support Donna and the great work she is doing so if you are on social media, please give her a follow on @donnaajones and make sure to check out her new book, Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life. Thank you again for having me, Donna!
"Throughout all of history, it is clear that humans naturally are humble, self-sacrificial, and want to be of service to others"
...said no one, ever.
That is the right heart and mindset but it must be chosen and cultivated.
When we look back at our lives the things we are most proud of are not what came easily.
We are most proud of what was difficult, what took sacrifice and what was in service to something bigger than ourselves.
By nature, we don't want to do "hard".
Easy SEEMS better in the short-term, but when we choose the hard, we look back and see a life of meaning and purpose.
As a wife, it's not easy to reject the lies that society feeds us nowadays.
Lie - "Men and women are the same"
The problem is if we're the same then we'll expect to give and receive love the same way.
So, if a wife doesn't need sex to feel loved, she'll be bitter that her husband can't live without it.
The truth sets us free. And the truth is men and women are designed differently -- equal in value and dignity but different in the ways we receive love (among other things).
When I push myself towards the gym because of a doctor's wisdom, am I oppressing myself? Is the doctor oppressing me for suggesting such a gruesome and heinous encouragement that could leave me sore and in discomfort for days...
No--I'm grateful he told me the truth so I can have the results he knows I want: health and well-being. Ultimately, if I do push myself to go to the gym, I feel a LOT better once I'm there and started.
In the same way, if it is true and wise and good to go towards intimacy in marriage -- regardless of how I feel naturally -- I can change my attitude and go towards this gift that God has given. And generally with the right attitude, I'll start to enjoy it in the midst.
The beautiful part about sex is when you sacrifice your feelings and wants for the good of God's plan for your marriage, you can actually start to enjoy, love, and relish in His good gift of intimacy!
It all starts with a choice to say "Not my will, but Your will be done in my life".
Love,
Belah
PS - If you are wanting to improve your marriage and have deeper intimacy with your spouse, we would love to talk with you. Please feel free to contact us at delightyourmarriage.com/cc to schedule a free Clarity Call.
PPS - Here is quote from a recent graduate:
Before: "[Before the Delighted Wife program], My husband and I were at the brink of complete and utter separation. We were not communicating. There was anger and yelling and volatile behavior. We were not even sleeping in the same bed, in the same room. I was feeling absolutely helpless and broken. I feared for the future and for what would happen to our family. My health was being affected and all of the struggles were really destroying both of us.”
After DW: “Through the program, I realized that first, my husband is different than I am. Second, I learned that I was not respecting, admiring, or being wholehearted in my approach to intimacy. Third, I learned that the improvement that God was effecting for our marriage needed to begin with one of us and that it was me who needed to start… I learned to see my husband through God's eyes and am determined to love him with all of his strengths and weaknesses without wanting any change but instead being grateful for all that he is in my life… Delight Your Marriage opened my eyes to what the Lord has in store and has filled me with so much hope. Through the tools of the program, I have been able to see the improvements that have been affected almost miraculously. To God be the Glory!!!”
When you see everyone else has great intimacy except you, how can you survive?
How can you live without this vital need being met (as God even designed it)?
I hear you.
It's painful.
It really is.
In this conversation, I hope you will feel encouraged and supported and also feel that God does care and there is direction.
Blessings,
Belah
PS - Do you want to improve your marriage? Do you want to see a move of God in your own life and in the life of your spouse, family, and friendships? We want to help you. Check out this link to schedule a free Clarity Call: delightyourmarriage.com/cc
PPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate: "[Before the Masculinity Reclaimed program], I was stuck in the sin of self pity. We were not enjoying each other's company. Our youngest two children were noticing, and it was not the examples we wanted to be showing them.
[After the MR program], I have become more thankful. I learned to focus on the positives. I have learned to become a better listener. I understand my wife's needs better. Because of past disappointments my wife was not my #1 priority after the Lord. Now she is... There is so much in this program that is good. I loved Belah's insights for each guy during each week's coaching call. I believe she is relying on the Holy Spirit for wisdom and it shows with each guy's reactions and progress."
If you're discontent...
If you feel you've been praying against a cement ceiling...
If you've actually felt disappointed in life and at God...
Or maybe it's less severe, you're going through the motions in life but something feels "off"...
I want you to know that your discontentment is something to pay attention to.
God does come in dreams and visions (sometimes) but often he leads us by our feelings.
And my wonder for you is are you paying attention?
Are you considering the feeling of "discontentment" as something
a - outside of you in your world needs to change or
b - something about you in your inner world needs to change
God gives us opportunities to change all the time.
Change the way we think, the way we are, the way we understand the world.
You don't need to assume this is as good as it gets and that we're not going to be able to do anything to make it better.
I think God wants us to take Him at His word "we are more than conquerors" and stand on our own feet and decide to improve what we are discontent about.
Yes, there are sad and bad things going on in the world.
But as followers of Jesus, we get to DO something about it.
We have the opportunity to change things for the better, all the time.
Ultimately, I want you to take responsibility for your heart and what you choose to meditate on.
Don't be a “Discontent Debbie" or a "Wallowing Walter!”
It's not what God has for you. I promise.
How about "Determined Debbie" and "Wonderfully Wise Walter"?
And I think it has eternal consequences...
Be a wise gardener of your mind and heart, so that you can have a life and joy that brings honor to Jesus.
Blessings,
Belah
PS - Would you like to improve your marriage?
Are you willing to let the Lord grow in you more of His love, grace, and power in your most important human relationship?
Would you like our help?
If so, schedule a free Clarity call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc
To fan the flame of hope, a quote from one of our program graduates:
“DYM [Delight Your Marriage] has been a great blessing to our marriage!
After several years of feeling “stuck” in patterns in our marriage that left both of us feeling alone, hurt, unheard, and without much hope of any real and lasting change, I have found the material, ministry culture, and most importantly, the faith at work through the team of DYM to be exactly what I needed to take real steps of faith in practical ways that mattered to my wife and our marriage.”
A man of God, in ministry, spreading the gospel, and without even realizing it, he had allowed his marriage to slip into a transactional relationship.
After being married for nearly thirty years, Mark saw in himself that he was starting to become more grouchy, their connection waned, and his wife’s physical desire changed as she began to go through menopause. Their four children were “launching well” but would soon be completely out of the house – changing the home dynamic completely.
All of this put a strain on their marriage. They were now in uncharted territory and he knew he needed help.
Mark felt he needed to lead as the man, but just didn’t know how. He had been considering the men’s program for about a year and finally decided to move forward.
Through the program, we were able to help shed light to remove the things that were straining his marriage - going from transactional to selfless- and give him the tools to connect with his wife, even in the midst of all their changes. He finally felt he had the tools to be the man his wife needed him to be, so she could fully trust him and be free around him.
We are so excited to share Mark’s transformation story and hope that it resonates with you. If there is anything to take away, it is that you are not alone.
If you are a soon-to-be empty nester, if you're navigating your wife’s menopause, if you are finding yourself discontent and you don’t want to be- we would love to help you too. delightyourmarriage.com/cc
God bless you!
Love,
Belah and team
PS - Like Mark, if you’d like to find out if the men’s program would be your right next step, go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc for a free Clarity Call. Maybe you’ll be the next success story!
Here’s another recent graduate’s comments:
Before the Men’s program: “The emotional disconnection led us to a growing sense of distance. Physical intimacy had always been a regular part of our relationship, but there always seemed to be something missing… There was also difficulty about sharing vulnerable feelings and emotions for both of us. It was just a pattern of stuck-ness. Things might improve for a few weeks or months, but we would inevitably feel stuck again… All in all we were headed into a pretty 'lifeless' future together, that neither of us wanted or were excited about.”
After: “I find myself actually wanting to know about my wife. The listening skills have helped me to express my interest in ways that she can receive and helped me learn how to receive her more fully… I am able to express delight in my wife through compliments more naturally… There has been a bit of fun flirtiness that has never been a part of my relationship with my wife… I am free from most of my sex-related anxiety. I was constantly worried about when or if we would be physically intimate… I don't think I have ever been more intoxicated by her body, while at the same time I see each opportunity to enjoy her as a fabulous gift.I am so free to express my desire for her in ways that she loves hearing, without pressure or expectation, but with authentic desire for her.”
Tom felt like his marriage was good, but knew it could be better. His wife was his best friend, but he was craving romance and passion in their marriage.
After stumbling upon Delight Your Marriage through a Google Search and taking our free Marital Health Assessment, he realized that the marriage he thought was “good” was actually only just “okay” and ended up scoring a 5 out of 10 in the Marital Health Assessment (delightyourmarriage.com/health).
He knew it was time for a change, so he signed up, hoping his wife would take the course at some point. Because that’s what needs to happen… right? ;)
Well, Tom found out, like all of our MR Graduates do, that change begins with ourselves.
And as he took the course and began to implement the principles, he in fact, did see a change in his wife!
She became more flirty and playful and the romance and passion that Tom had been wanting finally happened in their marriage after 4 decades!
All because he decided to take the leap, take the Delight Your Marriage course, and truly implement what he learned.
We know that God is in the business of transformation and He LOVES transforming marriages because the impact goes much further than just an individual couple.
Love,
Belah & team
PS -
If you are like Tom and feel like your marriage is pretty good, but also feel like there could be more, we want to invite you to listen to this episode and to take our free Marital Health Assessment (delightyourmarriage.com/health).
PPS - And just the way Tom started, we would love to chat with you on a free Clarity Call! delightyourmarriage.com/cc
Have you ever not done something because of fear?
Have you ever done something that felt right at the time, but you were riddled with fear and anxiety later?
Have you ever felt you had more potential than you were living into?
Welcome to human nature.
But is that what he should do?
Is that living according to our fears or God's will and His way?
I don't think so.
Instead, the Bible says it's impossible to please God without faith. (Heb 11:6)
You might wonder:
Is it required to have faith for your marriage to change?
YES.
Even Jesus could do no mighty miracles in his hometown because of their lack of faith. (Mark 6:6)
Does it mean He will most certainly change your marriage and make you not go through suffering because you have faith? Well, we can look at John the Baptist to see that even if you have faith it's not a guarantee that God will pull you out of the hard situation and cause a miracle.
However, the woman with the issue of blood had suffered terribly for over a decade.
She could have allowed her heart to grow calloused toward God and assume He doesn't care.
She could have decided things will never change.
She could have resigned herself to a life that would never get better.
But she didn't, she stretched, she pushed through the crowd, she resisted anything that would try to discourage her faith...
and by faith, she touched the hem of His garment, believing He could heal her.
And He did.
"Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” (Mtt 9:22)
I want to ask you, when...
When will it matter enough?
When will choosing to notice that God is here wanting to restore, redeem, heal matter enough to you?
When will you see Jesus walking by and reach out in faith?
Resist the enemy's...
Fear of being judged.
Fear of loss.
Fear of looking silly.
Fear of being perceived a fool.
Fear of change.
Fear of responsibility.
Fear of taking ownership.
Fear of pain.
I invite you to stand up and choose faith.
Stand up in faith. Reach for His garment. Do not be offended by His response but stay, stay, stay in faith as He might want to do a miracle that you (by your fear) are blocking.
Choose the faith of freedom, hope, joy, love, connection, unity, healing...
Live into the potential life He may be inviting you into.
Listen in today: Faith or Fear: When Will It Matter Enough to You?
Love,
Belah
PS - Marital Health Assessment is a free tool to discover where you are currently in your marriage and to give you a vision of what areas you may be missing and need to gain insight. It also provides free episodes that are uniquely selected for your situation. delightyourmarriage.com/health
PPS - If you're ready to transform your marriage through Christ-centered personal growth... we're here for you: delightyourmarriage.com/cc
We'd love to help.
Quote from a recent graduate heading for divorce:
“Delight Your Marriage saved my marriage. It has changed the course of all four of my kids lives. There is now peace in our home and friendship between me and my husband. Without this program I do not think we would have gotten here. I was too stubborn and too hurt.
Belah’s teaching were humbling and eye opening to the ways I had repeatedly damaged my husband and the areas I had fallen short as a wife. Both of us have now gone through the program now and I know it was the push we needed to mature and build solid ground for the rest of our marriage.”
We all know that marriage is a blessing from God. And when a marriage spans decades - ten, twenty, thirty years- we often stand in awe and amazement at that accomplishment.
However, there are times when those thirty years privately have been disconnected and painful and becoming empty nesters resulted in feeling like even less than roommates.
But, what if they found a program that changed it all and brought a deeper peace, connection, and unity to their marriage than they’ve had in three decades?
That is Adam’s Transformation Story. From being disconnected and treating her almost as he did one of his “employees” to learning what it truly means to be “safe” for his wife. So connected in fact that they are planning a getaway for their 30th anniversary! When just a few short months ago she felt there was nothing to celebrate!
We are thrilled to share this transformation story with you because it’s a miracle that we give God all glory and honor for what He did in their family.
If any part of it resonates–the disconnect, the want for a change in heart, the desire for results like this one (planning a trip, deeper intimacy, deeper connection)–we encourage you to make a Clarity Call at www.delightyourmarriage.com/cc
We hope this story encourages you, reminds you that God is for you, and that it is truly, truly, never too late to turn and create a new beginning in your marriage.
Love,
Belah
PS - If you have been on the fence about deciding to go through a program we invite you to join in now, because in 2 weeks the pricing model and structure will change as we’re having to cap enrollment.
I hope you can jump in now as we’ll be raising the price in two weeks.
Check out delightyourmarriage.com/cc to learn more!
PPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate:
Before MR: “Lack of connection, lack of intimacy on each Spiritual, Emotional or Physical. I knew that our physical intimacy was lacking, My wife and I were friendly 'roommates', Physical intimacy was infrequent (3-5x a year) and not passionate. I knew I wanted and needed more, but I wasn't able to identify the lacking Spiritual and Emotional intimacy. I described myself as Helpless but not Hopeless because I had hope but didn't know exactly what was missing and what to do about it….”
After MR: “(The) DYM MR program has drawn me closer to God, my wife, and my daughters. I have seen wonderful growth in my closeness with my wife and we've spent more time truly together in the last couple months than in prior years. We've gone from polite roommates where I had been jealous of my wife's craving of Diet Coke more than she seemed to need or crave me in her life to teenagers who do fun silly things to express our love for one another... My spiritual connections with God and my wife have improved 100 fold!... My wife and I are on an adventure to read the bible within the next year. We're also cooking together 3 nights per week…”
Does your marriage currently feel like living with a roommate? We want to help bring the spark back! Visit delightyourmarriage.com/cc to schedule a free Clarity Call with us. We would love to talk to you!
Have you ever been in a place where a conflict has absolutely consumed you?
Whether you're grocery shopping or with friends, that conflict is just circling over and over in your mind.
Maybe you find yourself wondering how you even got there in the first place? And even more so, how to get out of that place?
Well, author and speaker Donna Jones is here today to talk about just that.
In her new book “Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life: a Biblical guide to Communicating Thoughts, Feelings, and Opinions with Grace, Truth, and Zero Regret”, Donna walks us through how to handle conflict with love and grace, how to be an Addresser of Conflict, rather than an Avoider or Attacker, how to lead with listening, and so much more.
We were sad to have this episode end because it was such a treasure!
We hope this episode blesses you and brings you and your spouse closer together- shoulder to shoulder, against the problem, rather than against each other.
We believe God can heal any relationship and He can use you through His wisdom to do just that.
Love,
Belah
Delightyourmarriage.com/accessories
Free training to gain insights, Christian how-tos and practical tips as well as specific recommended (non-scary) intimacy accessories.
I hope this blesses you!
I was confused.
There I was a new bride, having saved myself for marriage...
only to find out that my new husband wanted me to do SINFUL things.
Where did he get all this "inspiration" anyway?
Oh, I knew: sinful places.
So, of course, I refused. And of course, it brought mutual anger (covering each of our hurt).
What's your story?
If it's even remotely like mine, I needed to change the lens in which I was viewing sex.
I wasn't viewing sex from a biblical standpoint.
I was viewing sex from a sexually perverted lens. (Even though I saved my sex for marriage, I certainly received messages from the world that perverted the purity and unashamedness that is meant to be in the bedroom.)
I was thinking about a sinful visual I had, at some point, encountered that I knew was wrong. Instead of recognizing the COMPLETELY different and HOLY context of my marriage, I decided the act was associated with my experience that was not God's will.
Maybe you've gone through something profoundly tragic, if so, my heart goes out to you. And now you're married and there are so many things that feel hard to move towards because of the past. There is hope. Hope for healing and even hope for desire.
Be washed by truth. That's my aim in this conversation. That you will realize that our God is a God of intimacy and freedom in your marriage.
When you wash your mind with the truth of His design within the marriage bed, may you slowly wade (or dive in) into the waters of marital intimacy and find out it's nice and warm (with your spouse :) )
In this conversation, I talk about:
1 - the actual boundaries God gives in the Bible
2 - the clear freedom He gives, biblically speaking and logically reasoned
3 - the difference between masculine and feminine sex
4 - the invitation to align your typical life with the standard of the Bible (which is often overlooked... a frequent contradiction)
Love,
Belah
PS - If you'd like help with your marriage, we're here and would love to witness God transform it and bring you the freedom and joy you are longing for!
Your next step is a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc
Start the process today and start enjoying your marriage!
PPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate:
“We were emotionally, intimately, and spiritually disconnected. We lived in the same house, but didn't live together. I was angry and bitter…”
AFTER: “My wife and I are closer than we have ever been! She has a glow. It's crazy how much we love each other. Life is fun!”
Bethany felt like her marriage was a lost cause.
She knew that she and her husband were called to be together, but after years of serving in church ministry, three kids, and infidelity, Bethany and her husband began questioning their promise of “no divorce” and began considering separation.
She knew she needed help. She was desperate.
She searched for a Christian answer and found Delight Your Marriage. After listening to the podcast and the testimonies, she felt unsure because the testimonies felt too hard to believe.
“God couldn’t do that for me, could he?”
But she kept listening until she felt God tugging on her heart telling her it was time.
Through Delight Your Marriage, Bethany received encouragement, support, wisdom, and a team of people that was in her corner.
She has seen a transformation in her marriage including surprise flowers and a softness in her husband that she had never seen before. (Not to mention weekly dates! Which was never a thing before!)
We are so thankful to be able to share Bethany’s story with you today and know that it is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what God can do in so many marriages.
He is a good, thoughtful, and intentional God.
Blessings,
Belah and team
PS - If you'd like help with your marriage, we're here and would love to witness God transform it through the work!
Your next step is a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc
As Bethany said, “It truly is a CLARITY call.”
PPS - Here is a quote from a (different) recent graduate:
BEFORE: “Before DYM, there was a lot of tension and stress in our marriage and disconnect. My husband had affairs and these were replayed constantly in my head… I did not trust him and had not forgiven him. Intimacy felt like something I had to do to keep him somewhat happy.”
AFTER: “After going through the program, the stress is gone and replaying the affairs in my head is pretty much gone… I told him I have forgiven him and intimacy is something I desire now and enjoy with my husband. We are both so much happier in our marriage!”
Your story can be next, schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc
Maybe you've done something wrong...
Maybe there's a deep discomfort that you keep trying to avoid...
Maybe you feel if you let yourself be with yourself quietly, the shame will swallow you whole...
The guilt and shame you feel may be justified.
And that is exactly why we need a sacrifice that allows us to live in confidence and freedom, peace and joy in life.
As followers of Jesus, we don't have confidence that "we're good enough" because of some baseless affirmation.
We have a strong foundation of reason as to why we have confidence.
The truth is, on our own...
We aren't good enough.
We don't deserve the goodness God gives us every day.
And we don't deserve His sacrifice.
But what we are as Jesus followers are receive-ers.
We are trust-ers.
We are people who say THE event that altered the human race 2000 years ago is WHY I can have freedom from shame.
If you have felt like you've been "paying for" the sin you've committed, it's time to receive the payment from God and start walking in your freedom as His son and daughter.
His payment actually means something in your day to day life.
You can never earn your way into being worthy of His love and goodness, peace and freedom. You get to believe and receive it. He is that good and loving and merciful and kind.
I invite you to let the gift of Jesus' sacrifice move you today.
Spend time in the story today and this weekend. Remember and receive His sacrifice for every part of your life and heart.
Love,
Belah
PS - We'd love to walk with you in this journey of living free in Christ, connected with your spouse in passion, purpose, playfulness and doing God's will as man or woman of God. We're here for you, find out the details at: delightyourmarriage.com/cc
PPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate:
DW Before: We were planning on how to keep a family together while breaking our family up - We were at the end of ourselves and decided it was time to give up and go our separate ways.
DW After: WHERE DO I BEGIN!!! I have grown in patience, perspective, my faith and connection with God, my understanding of my husband, and peace. I have learned how to build my marriage.
Change starts with me - God can only save my marriage if I am humble enough to surrender and let Him start with ME!!!!
Belah always pointed us to Jesus NOT to a strategy or an idea or concept. It was directly and purely to JESUS. He was the main focus, and everything else just fell into place. It helped me to re-center everything in my life.
Maybe you're in the midst of a really tough season.
It feels like you're alone and barely keeping your head above water.
Marriage woes can be the most stressful aspect of a person's life.
I want to encourage you that your suffering matters.
I was walking through a museum with my son the other day, and a painting depicted a martyr who was tortured for his faith.
It was a moment that helped me reflect on the importance of my suffering every day.
If a moment like that occurred, where I would have to make a choice between Jesus and comfort...
I would be strong enough and have endured enough hardship to choose rightly.
I hope today's podcast will give you encouragement that you CAN endure ALL things through Christ who strengthens you.
Love,
Belah
PS - If you'd like help with your marriage, we're here and would love to witness God transform it through the work!
Your next step is a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc
This may be the very best thing you've done for your marriage. Period.
PPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate:
"Prior to coming to DYM my marriage was at a 3 out of 10... We were at odds for most of our 30+ year marriage"
AFTER: "My feelings towards my husband came back to life... This was the catalyst to the deeper changes that have given me a marriage I had always wanted."
If you're a pastor or are shepherded by a pastor, it is important to know that the work of the pastor is hard and can have a deep impact on the leader of such work.
In this episode, we explore the emotional and psychological cost of deeply caring for others.
In today's episode, we delve into compassion fatigue, its causes, and the impact it has on individuals in helping professions.
Here's what you'll learn:
What is compassion fatigue and how does it differ from burnout?
Professions most susceptible to compassion fatigue.
Warning signs and symptoms to watch out for.
Strategies for managing and preventing compassion fatigue.
I'm excited to speak with Kevin Bueltmann, a pastor who helps pastors with Compassion Fatigue. He went through it himself.
I encourage you to find out more about him and his ministry for pastors at https://www.shepherdscanyonretreat.org/
If you are wondering if you are burnt out and/or have compassion fatigue, we have a great conversation with practical ideas. I believe this will bless you!
Blessings,
Belah
PS - If we can help you with your marriage, go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc to learn all the details.
Graduate Quote:
Before the program… “I felt that I was not connecting as well with my wife and children as I should. I could sense my wife's frustration with me…I was tired, I was grouchy, I was irritable and it was affecting my most important relationships. It was negatively impacting them and my relationships with them, and it needed to change.”
After the program… ”My overwhelming feeling coming out of this course is gratitude - gratitude for my wife, for who she is, for how she has hung in there with me and not given up on me, for how she has continued to love me for who I am. I am grateful for this course and the blind spots it has helped me recognize. I wasn't a good listener at all. I was grouchy. I was ungrateful. I was often guilty of having a transactional mindset when it came to sexual intimacy. All that has changed for the better. It's all about the routine, and doing things [taught in the program] each day.”
I pulled out a fan-favorite episode to share today! If you haven't heard it, you don't want to miss this story. It'll encourage you.
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Mick is a dynamic, charismatic, but also a tell-it-straight kinda guy.
When his marriage was shallow in terms of connection, emotionally and intimately, he jumped at an opportunity that he discerned understood him as a man and also had a proven track record for change.
After taking responsibility, the MAIN change was his heart. He shares some particulars on why that was so vital in the outward changes of his marriage.
But, he began to realize who God actually is calling him to be as a husband.
Mick's transformation is truly awesome. But he really took responsibility.
He wasn't interested in waiting to see what happens in his marriage without intentionality.
He was ready to do the work and take 100% ownership for his marriage transformation and had full accountability for himself.
His heart…his change…his commitment to Christ, and then…living it out in his marriage.
I encourage you to listen to Mick's story and witness God's transformation in him.
From the outside they looked great, but it wasn't until God changed his heart that their connection went to a whole new level.
Maybe you need this. Maybe a friend does…and you get to be the one to share it with them (like a friend shared it with his wife, and thus God did this in his marriage and for his kids).
Love & Blessings,
Belah
PS -- We'd love to see if we can serve you in a Clarity Call where you dig into your specific journey and we help you clarify the challenges, where you're going, and WHY.
Go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc
Quote from another recent graduate (2024):
Before: "We were two roommates who both felt a lot of hurt and rejection. We lived together, but never talked about the elephant in the room."
After DYM men's program: "I am so thankful to be in a loving and happy marriage that I could not have imagined only 12 weeks earlier. I am excited every day to go home to my wife, something that I felt anxious about three months ago."
Maybe you're next? Go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc
Maybe you don't really understand what "servant" means in relation to your spouse.
Let's explore that together on our podcast today.
Be your spouse's servant.
That's Jesus' way.
If we believe what He said, this should not offend us but teach us how to live.
Mark 10:45: "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve..."
Matthew 20:26b-28 "whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve,"
Matthew 23:11-12: "The greatest among you will be your servant."
Luke 22:26: "the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves."
John 13:14-15: "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you."
Matthew 25:40: "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'"
Mark 9:35: "Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, 'Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.'"
Luke 14:11: "For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted."
Matthew 5:16: "In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."
Luke 6:38: "Give, and it will be given to you... For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Luke 10:27: "He answered, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
If we truly believe Jesus, this should not offend us but free us to love and serve extravagantly.
Be your spouse's servant. For great will be your reward.
Love,
Belah
PS - Do you want help healing your marriage? We can help, and we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call at: delightyourmarriage.com/cc
PSS Client Testimonial:
Before Delighted Wife: “Our biggest marital struggle was PRIDE. Pride sent us into a downward spiral early on in our marriage. It went unchecked and only got worse over the years. We were both hopeless and lost.”
After Delighted Wife: “I can finally SEE! God shined a light on my pride the very first week of the program. We had big celebrations nearly every week. I finally see my husband through God's eyes! I have grace for his imperfections and use them as opportunities to honor God by loving him through them with absolute joy.
My husband could see a change pretty instantly. The energy in our home is positive and joyful! We've had celebrations of vulnerability and intimacy I never thought possible and finally share hope that we can actually have the marriage we've always dreamed of. We're all happier, sleeping better, and able to breathe! It's truly a miracle.”
If you've been around for a while, you may have heard that we say you must have "0 arguments" in your marriage.
"But that's not normal."
"But that's not healthy."
"But that means someone is not being honest."
Well, firstly, it's not my rule.
Among many other verses, let's look at Romans 1:29, 30, 32; 2:1, 2.
“They have become filled with every kind of wickedness... murder, strife... gossips... arrogant and boastful..."
"Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them...”
"Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness... God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance"
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Let's not take God's kindness for granted.
Allow His patience and kindness with us to lead us to repentance. Let us not take liberties because we haven't been "smitten" yet.
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I'll assume we're on the same page with the thoughts around no arguments, so how do you communicate differences?
Are differences of opinion or disagreements allowed in a marriage?
YES.
But the marital relationship is unlike any other relationship.
There is a unity that is not like any other relationship.
Thus, things must be sorted through in a way that does not compromise unity.
It matters how healthy your marriage is right now.
Some topics may need to wait until you're healthier before it's wise to bring it up.
I have several practical ways of looking at this that I am excited to share.
May God bless you in this discernment of His way in your relationship.
Love,
Belah
PS - Here is a free tool called the Marital Health Assessment to help you evaluate where you currently are in your marital health: delightyourmarriage.com/health
PPS - Do you want help healing your marriage? We can help, and we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc
Client Testimonial:
Before MR: “The biggest struggles were that my wife and I had a gap between us and we were moving farther and farther away from each other.
My wife would use my shared vulnerabilities immediately against me and was constantly mothering/telling me what to do and how to do it. We had physically separated in the home and arguments hinting at divorce were starting to creep in. Our marriage was sick.
Playfulness had long since gone from it, and the priorities of life and the world were weighing on us. I highly preferred not to be in the same room with her versus being around her.”
After MR: “I have grown to love my wife.
I have grown to know God loves me enough to give me the miracle of a refreshed marriage—one that I’d hoped and prayed for but wasn’t sure I was worthy of the help. And I’m not. But He granted it anyway and it has made ALL the difference.
We are sharing plans and hopes for our future a lot more. We are making better decisions together.”
The definition of a half-truth is "a statement that conveys only part of the truth, especially one used deliberately in order to deceive someone."
I don't know that anyone who says these half-truths is INTENTIONALLY choosing to deceive someone. I'd prefer to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
However, we must look at these beliefs and discern if they are scripturally based.
Certainly, the enemy has deliberately used them to deceive and wreak horrific tragedies in marriages and families.
Unfortunately, half-truths are more slippery and harder to discern than outright (obvious) lies.
Because we see something that somewhat resembles God's way, but we haven't given it the time or held it up to scripture to discern if it is actually aligned.
My hope in this episode is to help you discern truth from half-truths.
Listen in to today's podcast: 419-Half Truths Can Destroy More than Lies
Listen to the episodes on iTunes, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or your favorite podcast platform
I hope also you remember as I mentioned in the beginning ANYONE who has spoken these half-truths likely had great intentions.
Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that everyone is trying to help marriages become God's best... I hope this shines a light on how God Himself designed marriage to be, according to our guide, the Bible.
Let's have charity and kindness with one another as fellow believers. We are just seeking God's way above our own.
Love and submission to Jesus,
Belah
PS - We'd love to help you and your marriage. Find out how to have a free Clarity Call ($300 value!) at delightyourmarriage.com/cc
PPS - A recent graduate who came first and then because of his changes the wife joined and God did amazing things (!!) wrote this:
"Hi Belah, I am well, thank you!
And thank you so much for EVERYTHING you've done for me and my marriage.
Your positive impact on my family will resound for generations.
Truly words don't do justice to the blessing that you and DYM have been to us. God is good!"
Glory to God for all of it!
I hope you'll allow us to journey with you and see God transform your life too! delightyourmarriage.com/cc
(This is a re-release from previously.)
I used to be so weirded out by sex because I was pursuing Jesus with everything.
How could my life be sold out for Christ and have to engage in such carnal behavior?
Then God opened my eyes to quite a lot. I hope you’ll listen to today’s podcast with an open heart and willingness to let Him reveal His true design and desire for you in your marriage.
Love & Blessings,
Belah
PS – We'd love to help with your marriage/intimacy please set up a call with a Clarity Advisor to see how we can help: delightyourmarriage.com/cc
"We're just so different."
"We have nothing in common."
"Our personalities are not compatible."
This is a big problem in marriages.
People notice differences and assume it's a bad thing.
This is understandable...but very wrong.
God, in His amazing creativity, designed your spouse and you differently.
He also made a deer look differently than an alligator. He made a duck's personality differently than an anaconda's. He made the octopus loners, but curious, and the ant disciplined, but incredibly collaborative.
Why do we assume and expect God to make two humans alike?
Especially when the two sexes are SO different in many other ways (hair growth, voice pitch, hip width...to name a few!)
You're different from your spouse and it's to be marveled at as God's handiwork (Ephesians 3).
And, HE knit your spouse together (Psalms 139).
You GET to appreciate their uncommon traits. Not scowl and be annoyed at how unusual they are.
This is GOD's creativity that YOU get to enjoy if you have the right perspective.
That's my invitation today.
Put on new glasses when you look at your spouse. The glasses of appreciating their uniqueness and idiosyncrasies and make that something that fills you with joy and respectful amusement and admiration.
Love,
Belah
PS Do you want help developing healthy mindsets like this? We can help and we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc.
Client Testimonial:
Before Delighted Wife:
“Coming into the program initially, things between us were very bad. We could not speak to each other at all and we felt pretty hopeless. Our home was constantly full of tension and negativity. My husband was singling out our son and taking his frustrations out on him.”
After Delighted Wife:
“My biggest celebration is my shift in mindset and being able to see the good in my husband once again. Even for a long time while I was in the program, I was convinced that if my husband would "do something," things would improve. I did not realize how much I contributed to the discord in our marriage. I didn't realize how hard my heart was or how much healing needed to take place.
It has changed everything! If I were to take the marital health assessment, I think our score would still be a low number, but we are the happiest we have ever been and I am going to focus on that and on making tomorrow better than today.”
"Why can't I be fulfilled by what I SHOULD be able to?"
-Higher-drive men, Higher-drive women
"Why can't I get aroused by what I SHOULD be able to?"
-Lower-drive women, PI/ED men
I want to invite you to consider what brings you pleasure.
I want you to consider what causes you to ENJOY life.
At Delight Your Marriage we focus a lot of intimacy. (And this episode does too).
God has designed sex to be a way to receive pleasure.
But is it God's only way for you to receive pleasure in this amazing world?
Did Jesus receive pleasure in this world? (Even without sex?)
For higher drive husbands/wives (or those in sexless marriages): You are a wo/man who doesn't receive the pleasure from sex that you crave.
Jesus was tempted in every way that we are, and yet he never sinned. (HOW???)
For lower-drive wives/porn-induced ED/ED men: When you go on a journey of resensitizing your pleasure to everything this amazing world has to offer, you also resensitize yourself to the amazing gift of intimacy your spouse's unique body that God gives you in marriage.
Gaining pleasure in many more things in this life is incredibly important for you to fulfill God's call in the world.
Too many leaders/pastors/preachers have secret (and sometimes horrific) sins because they have no pressure release from the HARD work of ministry.
They do not have ANY pleasure activities except sex (at least that's what they think constitutes a holy life).
It's hard.
Jesus knows it's hard to resist temptation.
But he had MANY ways of receiving pleasure that had nothing to do with sex
He had zero "sinful outside-of-marriage sex" and he had zero "holy inside-of-marriage sex".
I invite you to listen with a curious heart to how God might want to invite you to resensitize yourself to the pleasure in HIS good world (in and out of marital intimacy) so that you can do the will of the Father ...as Jesus did.
Blessings,
Belah
PS - We'd love to help you and your marriage be all that God wants it to be to ultimately support the life and call God wants you to have... go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc for all the information of first steps!
PPS -Recent wife grad: "I wish I could really express just how many celebrations I’ve had through my weeks in this program. Both alone, and in my marriage."
Let's go! delightyourmarriage.com/cc
Many of our wife listeners have lower drives than their husbands. (I hear you!) And that’s just the way it is. Nothing to be done, just deal with it.
Also, if they’re like I have been, since she has a lower sex drive she just has to put up with the requirement of her to make love even though she’s less than enthusiastic about it because she has to have sex and can’t do the things she really wants to be doing. Or sometimes avoids it altogether.
I have been there. And so has Sarah.
She and I both have high drive husbands.
And we both know that sex is supposed to be a beautiful gift and a joy for him but we just couldn’t desire it even if we wanted to.
I want to allow you to hear Sarah’s heart because she knew something wasn’t right.
She loved her husband and they waited till marriage to engage sexually together, as is biblical, but her desire just wasn’t there, and it was so disheartening.
But, she rejected the idea that there was nothing she could do about it. Even when sexual assault was in her past, she hoped God could still redeem and heal her sexuality.
I’m excited for you to hear her story and see how you might be blessed by the advice and encouragement.
Her first step was sharing her story with someone who gets it. That was the free Clarity Call she had with someone who had walked this road before and can share there is hope for change!
Love,
Belah
PS - Would you like help? We would love to help. Schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc to have a compassionate and helpful conversation to evaluate if you’re a good fit for our programs.
PPS - If you’re a husband who wants his wife to do what Sarah did, the best thing you can do is work on yourself first.
From a guy who has been there, took the next steps, and did the work:
“Before taking the course I would have defined our struggle as not being on the same page sexually. I thought that her view of me, and the attitudes that she held, were hurting our marriage. She thought I was too demanding and moody when my expectations weren't met. I felt she prioritized work, kids, church, her phone, etc. above me. The vast majority of the intimacy we had was duty sex.
My biggest challenge has been my lack of understanding. I didn't realize how much pain I was causing her, or how self focused I was. I was trying to get her to change and should have been working on me. I am skilled at justifying myself and passing blame on my own heart.
Understanding the concepts of Safe, Known, and Cherished was a big deal. Forgiveness and apologizing have been huge. The disciplines of faith statements, gratitude, prayer, and Bible reading make for a solid start to my day.
My wife has told me she feels safe. She has begun to trust that my change is not a passing fad. I have gained understanding in how to love her well. I look forward to being around her, and to pampering her and loving her well. This has overflowed into intimacy emotionally, spiritually, and physically.”