Playfulness doesn't seem important now that life is so busy and stressful, but it's actually central to a good marriage and a PASSIONATE marriage.
When you think about what your relationship was at first, it probably was full of laughter.
Right? The value of playfulness-
Laughter makes you smarter Makes you more creative Improves your immune systems
The JOY of the Lord is our strength Rejoice... is a constant refrain in the Bible even in the WORST circumstances, we are invited to rejoice in the Lord.
There is power in joy.
Sex can be awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassing just to name a few.
And if there's a playful culture in your marriage, it causes laughter.
If there's not, it causes distance because you both are trying to look better than you feel.
For both parties, they're insecure around sex, so if your marriage is more playful...
You're not trying to be perfect in front of the other. You're not trying to compete with the other.
You're not trying to change the other. You're staying present and looking at the joyful parts of life together.
I think this episode will not only convince you WHY but also HOW to make your marriage, playful, safe and passionate.
Get the Wild Romance At Home video training ($97 value) for FREE by leaving an iTunes Review and sending me a screenshot to belah at delightyourmarriage.com If you need more instruction on how at https://delightyourmarriage.com/itunes
(Note: Free resources offered in this podcast for a review are no longer available.)
As a husband, maybe you're wondering where the passionate nights went from your first months or years.
Your wife may be wondering where the romantic DAYS went.
But, maybe you're stuck at home and it feels like you're not able to do any kind of romance given the circumstances.
I hear you... I will add that I live in NYC, in a 1 bedroom apartment with two sons (age 5 & 6) during quarantine. Which means we've probably left our physical apartment 5 times in the last 7 weeks...
...and I'm here to tell you, you can DEFINITELY have a Wild Romance even during this season. (You'll understand more on this show).
I want to gift (for FREE) two valuable resources from a $297 course that I have only offered to my current students...
Because it's almost Mother's Day & I think you need to understand the template on How To Be Romantic while at home...
And this will help you forever understand what your wife wants when she says she wants to be "wooed".
There's a catch.
I give you a behind-the-scenes-look at how the business of Delight Your Marriage works. And how the podcast is made and why I think it's God's will for me to rely on people like you.
If you jump through some hoops to post an iTunes Review, you'll get the resource for FREE.
Don't worry, I'll guide you step-by-step on how to "jump through the hoops"--we'll do it together! If you still have questions, I have a specific step-by-step guide, here!
THANK YOU, so much. If you've been a listener for a while, I am SO honored that you would take the time to listen all the way through this episode.
As you know DYM doesn't have ads because I care more about your impact than the revenue that comes in that way. So THIS is how you can make sure the podcast continues.
And if you pray for DYM, please pray that people would listen to this podcast and do the steps so it can grow. The podcast is listened to in 155 countries worldwide and that's because you have spread it--or done what I request in this podcast! So, thank you!
I have included valuable encouragements and insights for you but also an ASK from me.
It means A LOT that you would do this for me and for the spread of this work.
I love you.
(PS -- We'd still love a 5-star review, however, over 3 years later we no longer offer the free training. Head to delightyourmarriage.com and see what is available now!)
So, what I’ve noticed is that all of us are insecure. For some of us it’s more obvious than others.
It shows up in life, and it shows up in the bedroom.
I want to talk to you about what men are insecure about around intimacy and I want to talk about what women are insecure about around intimacy.
We have the opportunity to help our spouse feel more secure.
But how do we help our spouse when we ourselves are struggling with fear of judgment, rejection and body image (to name a few)?
Well, I think we need to understand where that fear is coming from.
And that’s what we explore together on today’s show.
Do you feel worthy?
Do you treat your spouse like they are worthy?
How can you help your spouse not be so insecure...
-around professional things,
-around the ways that they are in the world?
Hint: it’s different for men and women.
(To understand more about this framework, and get a free PDF download go to delightyourmarriage.com/framework )
So, on today’s show I want to tell you about what I think will be helpful for you to love your spouse in a way that will make them
-take down their guards,
-be less perfect (yep perfection is a mask for insecurity)
-be more vulnerable,
-be more messy & real,
-be more kind & loving,
-be less awkward,
-be more open, and
-be more secure.
And you too.
Addiction runs rampant... for most of us. Myself included.
Especially when we're facing tough things: anxiety, pain, loneliness, vulnerability, identity, significance.
During a stressful time we are trying to avoid the pain...
so we move towards the pleasure of distraction, entertainment, alcohol, gossip, food, video games, cigarettes...
God has specific insight into what to do on a consistent basis to bring us to PEACE.
Specifically, I'm thinking about this scripture...
Psalms 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him".
That makes me what to squirm and run away and pretend I didn't read it and that it's not in the Bible.
If I'm really honest my response is
Waiting feels like facing the tiger that's chasing me. The truth is when I wait, when I'm patient, when I am still... I discover over and over again that it's a paper tiger.
Is meditation new age / non-Christian? I talk about that... and how to ensure your meditation is Christian.
I share what I do to be still and be present in intimacy and OUTside the bedroom to impact my pleasure in intimacy.
Also, when "Receiving" in intimacy is too hard, there are other ways that are easier at times and bring us together in beautiful ways.
A few resources I mentioned:
I'd like to invite you to be on my email list. I send emails a couple times a month and I'd like to offer you some free resources for you...
For wives, you're welcome to get "8 Tips to Stay Present" in the bedroom:
For husbands, you're invited to get the "7 Blocks to Her Libido" which clarifies what may be keeping her from desiring intimacy in your marriage.
I'm very excited to share this interview with Dr. Kahn a renowned cardiologist (seen on Dr. Phil and The Doctors tv series among other great accolaides). This is my second time having him on the podcast and you're in for a treat!
What you put in your mouth affects your intimacy. (And I mean outside of the bedroom! :)
From libido to sexual response, our diet helps or hurts.
We also talk about COVID health and how the studies are showing there are specific things you can do to help your immune system (and of course be very focused on prevention).
On our last podcast I shared what I'm doing health-wise and how I think those things helped my health when fighting COVID -- some of those things Dr. Kahn encouraged (and some of them he DIScouraged!)
I encourage you to listen in to discover what may be most helpful for your intimate-life and your overall health.
You can find more about Dr. Kahn's work at drjoelkahn.com
Check out some of his books: Vegan Sex, The Plant-Based Solution, and his newest one Lipoprotein(a): The Heart's Quiet Killer
Happy Good Friday. It feels a bit strange going to service online, but the beautiful thing about Jesus is we get to meet Him anywhere because of what He did for us on this day so long ago.
I am curious how you're doing? I've been praying for you and hope you're doing ok.
We haven't chatted for a while because I've been a bit behind. My husband and I got COVID. The real one.
You probably have heard of plenty of really sad stories. I wanted to share ours to hopefully encourage you and add one story to the "FAITH pile" in your heart.
How do we know we got it? Well after a grocery store cashier sneezed on my husband a few days later we got flu-like symptoms and then we both lost our taste and smell!
(JFYI it's SO weird to not be able to taste or smell anything).
For me, I had super mild symptoms (thanking God!) and my husband has fairly mild symptoms though he's yet to be 100%.
When she found out me, my husband or my 2 sons (ages 5 and 6) hadn't crossed the threshold of our cozy NYC apartment in 13 days and we've had a peaceful and contented existence throughout, (by God's grace)... a friend asked "what is your secret weapon?"
Well, that's what I share in our conversation today, so you have it too: "Your COVID Secret Weapon".
I think there are a few things you can focus on amidst the chaos, anxiety and stress that will benefit you, your marriage, your health and ultimately the Kingdom of God.
(At the end of the broadcast I share the specific health things I do that I think helped our situation as well, in case you're interested in hearing my opinions on it -- immune health is a personal passion of mine.)
Spoiler alert: I talk about intimacy being vital during this time.
So I would love to have you listen for encouragement and PRACTICAL insights on how to use this time to HEAL your marriage.
Blessings & love,
Corona virus, COVID-19, has impacted you.
For so many the fear is tangible.
I know it's impacting your marriage. Sadly the divorce rates in China have skyrocketed as a result of the quarantine.
I don't want that to continue or become worse.
I want to help you. In your marriage, in this time, is it possible to be a soft landing DURING this crisis?
How can you get better? How can you and your spouse grow into the people God wants you to become DURING this crisis.
Many of us have a lot more time on our hands. (If you're in the medical field, please know we're praying for you).
How are we using that time?
I want to invite you to a FREE online workshop: SOFT LANDING Webinar: Be encouraged & be loved by your spouse DURING crisis
On that webinar I'll be launching a brand new group: Delight Groups to help you stay encouraged DURING the crisis.
You don't have to do this alone. If you want to sign up for the THRIVE webinar or learn more about the groups, sign up here.
Over the Christmas break my son had a very serious health crisis. And we cried out to God. And God moved. My faith was increased and everyone who has heard the story was impacted to trust God more.
Have you ever heard, "There are no atheists in foxholes"? People want hope to grab onto. And when reason fails to give that hope, the power of God can come in to help people experience His love.
This is an opportunity to be an example to all who you know.
Don't be the victim who numbs your fear, but the leader who stands in faith.
Believe me I've been the former, but I am want us to stand up and encourage and pray and love those who are in fear right now.
As Jesus-followers, we are lucky to know that this earth is not the end. But how do we encourage and pray for our neighbors? How can you start now? You may have a lot more time on your hands. How can you start to encourage and help others even RIGHT NOW?
Encourage your spouse. Love them generously so they can do their best in the world right now. Prioritize peace in your home so the storm isn't ALSO raging in your home.
Sign up to my newsletter for more encouragement during this time: www.delightyourmarriage.com/present
And you'll also get my 8 Tips to Stay Present in Intimacy
Love you and I'm praying for you,
In the midst of the storm that you both would be bound together. That any worry or fear would be replaced with faith, hope and love.
So, I messed up. I'm throwing myself under the bus here. I'm having trouble having grace with myself. I share what happened here. Maybe you can totally relate to my situation, or maybe you can't. Hopefully you'll at least be amused by my humbling...
We all have thorns in our flesh to keep us humble so hopefully this will be encouraging to you... to see me hum-iliated :)
I want to help you be motivated toward intimacy. Whether you're a wife who needs motivation to love your spouse with sexual intimacy or you're a husband who needs motivation to care about your wife's emotional desires... or anywhere in between. This is how to be motivated to intimacy: emotional, physical and spiritual in your marriage!
A couple of FREE resources I mentioned (after you're motivated of course) is learn to seduce!
The 5 Amazing Seduction Tips delightyourmarriage.com/tips
Also, for men to understand their wife and how to remove the blocks that are keeping her from intimacy: delightyourmarriage.com/7blocks The 7 Blocks to Her Libido
Thanks so much for listening--looking forward to speaking again next week!
So, I hear you.
And I validate your desire.
I wish wives would understand the importance and privilege she has to love him the WAY HE RECEIVES love.
With that in mind, I want to encourage you, dear husband.
Jesus KNOWS about your high sex drive. In fact, God is responsible for it. It's very clear in the Bible that He knows and designed you with it.
So, when I am encouraging you in how to view your wife, it's actually the most PRODUCTIVE thing you can do to bring you both at a better place in intimacy.
It's not the last step, but it's the FIRST and has be there BEFORE anything else.
If you want to understand the next 12 steps (literally), you can sign up for a FREE Clarity Call (worth $500!) where you and I will talk about what your SPECIFIC situation is.
You'll get clarity and great value and as I'm listening and discerning whether or not you'd be the right fit for me to expect amazing transformation in your marriage:
-like a husband who was celibate for several years because his wife shut him out now they're making generous and enthusiastic love several times every week!
-like a husband who walked on eggshells hoping his wife wouldn't reject him at night and she hadn't initiated in 20 years - now she's the ONLY one initiating and they're making passionate on a consistent basis!
If that's what you'd like to see in your marriage, I'd love to consider your story on a Clarity Call and IF I think you're the right fit I may invite you to work with me. Go to www.delightyourmarriage.com/call
(Due to capacity, I am only offering this call for husbands at this time though I have some options that may include them if I feel it's the right fit.)
You may have an inkling, but I bet you'll be surprised by my guest Sharon Jaynes (sharonjaynes.com) and the interesting topics we dig into to help others understand in what ways the Song of Solomon was speaking about intimacy between husband and wife.
(Hint hint, they're not talking about the farmer's market). :)
Sharon Jaynes has authored over 20 books and is passionate about women walking confidently and freely in their God-given calling. She loves marriages and seeks for women to be free in intimacy as well as love their husband through prayer. Sharon and I had a lot of fun talking about how the Bible specifically gives us the green-light to do far more in sex than most Christians realize. Listen in!
Be sure to get Sharon's new book: Lovestruck: Discovering God's Design for Romance, Marriage, and Sexual Intimacy from the Song of Solomon to find out even more!
A couple of free resources I mentioned on the podcast that I'd love to offer you:
Why did she heal?
What motivated a woman who was a size 0, undernourished, had been abused horribly to decide it was worth the challenge to heal?
How did she heal and now have a thriving intimate life with her husband?
Catherine gives us insight, hope and practical tools for you. You too can be healed, by God's grace.
Whether you were abused or your spouse, this will be helpful to understand the process and know that complete healing and restoration is possible for you!
Catherine is incredibly inspiring and has used her story to bring light and safety to so many through her organization Stop Trafficking Us (stoptraffickingus.org) which helps people out of being trafficked.
If this resonates with you and you'd like some additional tips on how to stay present during intimacy, I'd love to also give you a free resource: "8 Secrets to Stay Present during Intimacy".
You can get it here: delightyourmarriage.com/present
Today's interview is a story of resilience and hope.
Catherine goes into her story lightly because her full story is extremely difficult to take in.
HOWEVER, there is hope. Catherine is a living example that God can heal you.
1 in 4 women AND 1 in 6 men have suffered some form of sexual trauma. So, the healing needs to happen for SO many of us.
What can you do as a wife or husband to heal?
What can you do to help your spouse heal?
What are the underlying causes for pain for the person who is trying to help their spouse heal?
There's a lot of great insights even for practical and fun ways to heal... yeah it doesn't have to be another exercise in pain to heal.
God can help even when the mood is light!
To find out more about Catherine Wilson's work, visit: https://www.stoptraffickingus.org/
If thoughts are inhibiting you in the bedroom and you're a wife, I'd like to get my 8 Secrets to Staying Present in Intimacy for FREE, you can go to this link!
Part 2 is coming out next week, I hope you'll come back for that on Thursday!
So this is one of those topics that even when we're talking about intimacy we don't talk about.
But because I have the honor of speaking to women and men about some of the stuff they have never told ANYBODY, this comes up.
I want to share this episode because I want to help you. I don't want you to feel alone and icky and like you're sinning. Maybe you're not OR what are the specific Biblical boundaries?
Maybe there are small tweaks you can make to your thought-life that will align them with God's will. Maybe there are wees growing in the garden of your mind and they need to be pulled up and we'll talk about that.
But you may be surprised by some of my thoughts even around homosexuality. It starts in the mind and what we focus on grows. Just because someone has same-sex attraction doesn't make them gay. I want to clear about that because that's an insecurity a lot of people have.
I believe we all have proclivities, it's what we do with those proclivities that matter. Some of us are more violent, some of us easily lie and some of us have other proclivities we need to keep in check. What you focus on grows. So if you're focusing on the ways God wants you to be attracted and turned on by your spouse, I think you might be quite surprised by the way God will redirect your thoughts, feelings and even stimulation just by directing your fantasy-life.
I am SO excited to invite you to my 3-part FREE Online Seminar, people had amazing things to say about it!
There's only a couple of days left to go and get the replay!
"Belah, your webinar was absolutely amazing, we both enjoyed it and can't wait for the other 2! You have such an incredible insight on the male - female relationship that we haven't seen from any other relationship expert!
Your content was spot on and was such an awesome introduction. Where were you 25 years ago!!!!!!!" - Husband
"Thank you so much, Belah, for the distilling a lifetime of wisdom and teaching about God's plan for marital happiness, family harmony and personal fulfillment into one webinar!!!" -Wife of 32 years
"Belah , your webinar was absolutely amazing , we both enjoyed it and cant wait for the other 2!
You have such an incredible insight on the male -female relationship that we haven't seen from any other relationship expert !
Your content was spot on and was such an awesome introduction . Where were you 25 years ago !!!!!!! Lol"
As a wife who was bewildered by his desire and feeling grossed out by it, I get it!
But more than that... my hangups included, it's dirty, wrong, sinful, perverted, from the pornos, etc etc etc.
But he kept caring about this. And he wasn't the only one.
And now I hear from husbands all the time about how important this is to them.
And these guys aren't jerks, pigs, or abusers.
They're God-honoring gentlemen, who love their wives, they're good fathers and they want to enjoy their lives and their marriage and LOVE HER THE WAY SHE FEELS LOVED TOO!
On this episode I have some practical (VERY ehemmm practical) tips for you. This can be something for you guys in your marriage even if you've been married many years!
If you're tempted to ask your wife to listen to this... consider for a bit. Will it make her feel forced?
Instead, I want to invite you to my live, free webinar series coming up!
This is an awesome opportunity to get your wife introduced to my work.
It'll have intimacy sprinkled in but it won't be as focused (and possibly alarming to someone not really on board with my concepts).
But you'll want to attend the webinar too because it'll have golden nuggets for you two! What can YOU do to encourage your wife in this?
The other free resource I mentioned is The 7 Blocks to Her Libido resource!
Looking forward to having you at the Webinar Series. (Also, if you are seeing this in the future, you can go to the same link and gain some kind of helpful material!)
Oh man! You're going to get a lot out of this one. Larry Shushansky (from https://www.independentenough.com/) has 40 years of experience as a psychotherapist. We dig into what conflict is, why it happens and how to deal with it. But also that it is GOOD for your marriage.
However, MOST couples do conflict WRONG---thus it's BAD for theirs. Don't let yours be in this category!
He has been featured on: Psychology Today, Fast Company, Chicago Tribune, The Huffington Post to name a few... and it shows!
Some things may SURPRISE you.
Oh, and Larry and I have a conflict about something. I think you'll be really interested to hear! Neither of us backed down and he says we did it right.
Also, I mentioned that I'd like to invite you and your spouse to attend my Live and Free webinar series:
New Year, ReNewed Connection: Deeper, Loving Relationship & TRUE Intimacy! Sign up here: www.delightyourmarriage.com/renew2020
This is for couples (or people to watch on their own) and a ending segment JUST for wives. If you're looking for an easy segue-way to invite your wife to be interested in my work THIS IS IT.
Or if you have friends that need this work but you don't know how to talk to them about DYM because you know... sex. I get it!
This is a easy to digest and hints of truths about intimacy but nothing as strong and explicit as I have on my podcast or other material. Its a super easy intro as well as extremely helpful relationship tools.
Looking forward to having you!