I encourage you to first listen to Part 1 here. Today, you get to hear the gory details of how awful I was...from my husband. He is giving you all the dirt on me, for your benefit (hopefully!). There's a ton of mistakes I made that I thought was helping, but was actually driving a severe wedge between us. I was making it impossible for him to love me in the ways I was desperate for him to love me.
God has taught me a ton in my marriage. But by God's grace, He continues to teach me. I thought I had it all figured out---but I had a lot more to learn. Through The Surrendered Wife book, I learned so much and I made important changes. But here's my journey of understanding, right from my own husband.
In part 2, you'll hear what was really going on behind closed doors.
There's a ton that has changed but it was a pretty muddy road, and I wonder if you might be able to relate or can hear how to avoid my mistakes.
You may have thought you chose the right man when you were dating, but suddenly things changed when you got married. He stopped trying. He stopped woo-ing you and just took you for granted. When was the last time he took you on a date? Its so tough to feel that if he just tried a little you'd be happy.
Its an awful feeling. The good news is it can change with these steps. Its hard work on our end, but it makes big differences in the marriage. I was totally surprised to find out the very things I was doing that I thought was "helping" was actually pulling the rug out from under him.
When I gave him advice, corrected, explained and taught him...he took that to mean I thought he was stupid. When I critiqued and guided for next time...he felt the rug was pulled out from under him, criticized and that there was no pleasing me. So why try?
The key principles: husbands want to be respected. Women want to be cherished. Does your craving for real intimacy in your marriage win, over your need to be in control? Lets chat this through in this episode.
There's a lot we can do to make our love lives more lively. More than you might have thought. What about making sex into a game?
Here's a wife who made a Christian app that makes sex more fun for all of us! Amy's passion has come out of a place of understanding the significant impact that comes out of a place of marital intimacy.
This is the second half of her interview and it is so important for us all to prioritize and enjoy making love. We all can only be so creative---Why not get a little help to make it more fun and spicy?
Her desire is to make more marriages succeed. So much of the app is free, I would really encourage you to check it out: ultimateintimacy.com At the end of the interview, Amy walks us through step by step how the game works (so you can download and walk with her through how to use it).
My other encouragement I share on the podcast, is maybe you're not at a place where an app will help you spice things up. Maybe there are significant challenges that need to be worked through before you can get to that stage. I share a lot of the challenges I've had to fight through in regards to intimacy and I want to help you get to the other side. Intimacy Coaching 1:1 with me is 30% from now until Nov 24. We meet via video chat every week to dig into the deep stuff to move you to amazing intimacy.
Financial challenges aren't easy. They are in fact the #1 reason for divorce. How did her marriage survive when things got really stressful financially?
When you're stressed tensions run high in the household. Often the last thing on your mind (especially for women) is making love.
And this wife and mother believes it is what brought them through the serious challenges in their marriage.
God doesn't promise us an easy life. We will have struggles throughout this side of eternity. But, our marriage can be a place of respite. (CAN being the operative word). Listen to hear how this wife was able to work--during the stress--to keep her relationship with her man strong, so they were unified in facing those challenges.
30% off for Intimacy Coaching with Belah until Nov 24, 2017.
I get so many emails from husbands. I want to send a message to their wives...the wife I used to be. I was a wife who saw sex as
And so I avoided it and got resentful that the things I was doing wasn't appreciated. He kept asking me to learn more... and I got angrier.
Well God has changed my heart on this. I have discovered that God made my husband's member, and I am his wife. It is my privilege to be a part of intimacy with him. I am his only means of receiving this vital fulfillment righteously.
I believe this podcast will bring you closer to God. If you're anything like I was, I wish I had known this even before I got married. If I could only understand what sex meant to him. If I could only understand God's purposes for it.
I pray this would be something husbands can give to their wives (when she's ready---listen and practice these 3 episodes: Encourage Your Wife’s Sexuality (How A Husband Can Help His Wife Be More Into Sex) 156, 156/157, 157 first).
Podcasts I mention:
Praying for you and your marriage,
Now that you know the value of your sexuality (from Part 1), what does it mean to share that with your spouse?
I was a woman so insecure and unaware of the beauty of my body that it shocked me to realize the attraction my husband felt towards me. It took a while to actually come to accept it was true. But from there, to become fierce in the bedroom, that was another process. That's what we're going into today.
What does it mean to captivate your man? How do you "embody your sexuality" with your husband?
What we cover:
Interested in going further? Become a woman who has the intimacy you (and he) crave. Sign up for coaching with Belah.
After releasing Episode 56 & 57, I realized the good guys needed an episode. I may have been a bit too harsh on those episodes. So, I have this updated/revised/clarified/contextualized episode to give a bit more grace and kindness to the good guys, looking to love and be loved in sexual intimacy with their wives.
Part 1: You want to captivate your man. Is that even possible, you may ask? Am I captivating?
It was a process for me to move from thinking my sexuality (body + "Ressa") was gross to then accept and embody my sexuality as a gift from God to walk out (exclusively) in my marriage. But as I did, I found my confidence and identity began to shift into a woman who knows her value, who is fiercely aware of the jewel she is...and how that informs and transforms her marriage.
How do you walk this out? How do you become a woman who knows her value and allows that to inform her intimacy? How to make your husband get distracted with fantasies of you, his own wife?
Ultimately this is a God-honoring podcast that moves you closer to him by empowering you to become the woman God designed you to be when he gave you your sexuality.
Specific things discussed:
-What embodying your sexuality DOESN'T mean
-Understanding what your body means to men
-Why our lady parts are ignored
-How lady parts need a new name and identity in your heart
If I told you how my husband proposed to me, you would be shocked that I said yes (well I didn't exactly...but that's a different story...).
But that is not the man I have today. Just this past weekend, Mr. Romance, surprised me by making dinner, getting our 2 toddlers ready, packing extra toys to keep them occupied, packing an entire picnic, bringing wine glasses and my favorite bottle of wine... which we enjoyed in the park under the stars.
Stuff like this is pretty normal and I believe The Surrendered Wife (by Laura Doyle) and Delight Your Husband (by me, Belah Rose) are the two resources that are most significant to this transformation. If you get the surrendered stuff (Surrendered Wife) and the sex stuff (Delight Your Husband), give it 6 months and you will have an incredible man...I truly believe it.
Author of Surrendered Wife, Laura Doyle, is on for the second part of her interview. (I hope you'll listen to the first part to see how sad and broken her marriage was). But, its amazing to see what happened.
Here's some quotes from this show:
"I almost divorced the man of my dreams."
"All control is based in fear. [Because I'm surrendered] I really do feel like I'm a woman of faith now."
"Fear is still going to come up. Make the decision that something else is more important."
Hear more from Laura Doyle:
The Surrendered Wife (Please, please read this!)
Empowered Wife (new name of Kill All the Marriage Counselors book)
Her husband didn't want to spend time with her. He was apathetic towards her. He would rather watch television than even make love to her. Now he can't keep his eyes and hands off her :) Dancing in the kitchen, less stress and glorious compliments are just side benefits.
Laura Doyle's work began a marriage-changing transformation for me.
Laura Doyle, best selling author, speaker and coach. The book I love the most: The Surrendered Wife (though I'd prefer to call it "How to Stop Stressing and Start Enjoying" or "How to Get Your Husband to Become The Man of Your Dreams")
(If you've listened for a while you'll know I posted this interview over a year ago, but we all need a refresher, so I thought you wouldn't mind if I posted it again!)
Find out more about Laura:
This is Part 2 of my advice for men who want their wives to enjoy sex more. Though you may feel so hurt that your wife doesn't desire and/or meet your intimacy with joy the way you crave, there is a lot going on for her too.
"Hurt people hurt people". In this podcast, I hope to shed light on things both of you may be going through. And not even realize that you (men) are undermining the very intimacy you seek to encourage.
I hope to help you understand the ways a wife desires to be loved in life and how that directly relates to her experience intimately with you.
-Why she thinks you only want her for sex (and what you can do to change that)
-How you can communicate a man's need for sex in a way that will reach her (rather than repel her)
-Specific things you can do in physical intimacy that will allow her to enjoy intimacy to much greater degree, thus desiring it more
For wives, I want you to know...
My goal for your physical intimacy is that it would get to a level and place to would support your life, but NOT be the focus of it. I want you to be able to relax into the joy of amazing intimacy so it would fuel the pursuits of God's heart. There is much more than sex, it shouldn't be the focus; if you're married, it should support the focus.
(Part 1) You may want more sex. You may want her to want you more. You may want her to care more about your drive. Maybe all of the above and a whole lot more...
Well, the biggest barrier women face is insecurity. An insecure wife can't take off her clothes, can't seduce, can't enjoy physical intimacy. But isn't that her problem? Isn't that something she needs to go do, with the guidance of her husband? NO! Please stop pushing/teaching/correcting/criticizing... your wife on sexual things.
It is not helping it is hurting---your cause AND your wife. So today's episode is all about getting you dear husband, to understand 1) your wife's mind 2) her biggest barrier to love making 3) what you can do about it
Why did I have to make this episode? I hear far more from husbands than I do from wives. And it's time I gave these hurting husbands some help. Its not that they don't care about their wives and which is why they treat them this way. Not in the least. It's that they don't feel loved by their wives through sex and they don't know what to do about it. Here's some guidance that I believe will turn things around in your marriage.
This is part 1 in a 2 part series. Second part coming out next week.
If this has blessed you, please share with a friend and leave a review on itunes---here's how (it helps spread the show further).
Hi there! I had planned to have a break with the DYM podcast until August, but now that its here... I need another month!
I hope you do too! To rest & reflect. Be inspired to do both and 1 practice I do weekly to make sure both happen. Its my favorite time.
So I'll be back with you in September on the first Tues!